adBlockCheck

FBI Wiretap Uncovers Massive Seventh-Grade 'Crush Ring'

Top Headlines

Recent News

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

FBI Wiretap Uncovers Massive Seventh-Grade 'Crush Ring'

WASHINGTON, DC—The Federal Bureau of Investigation released a 400-page report Monday offering detailed evidence of a massive seventh-grade crush ring operating in the Dallas area.

FBI director Louis Freeh answers questions before Congress regarding the discovery of a massive crush ring in an Arlington, TX, middle school. Five seventh-grade girls, all of whom allegedly like the same boy, were implicated in the ring.

The ring, which FBI officials said involves five seventh-grade girls and has been in operation for nearly seven months, centers around Arlington, TX, eighth-grader Dylan Wagner.

"Between May and November 1997, the FBI used wiretaps to collect over 900 hours of recorded telephone conversations among five Arlington West Middle School girls regarding Dylan Wagner," said FBI director Louis Freeh, appearing before a select Senate subcommittee. "Transcripts of these girls' conversations overwhelmingly point to the existence of a collective, five-way crush on Mr. Wagner, whom the girls believe to be the cutest guy in school, if not the nation."

The frequency and length of telephone calls, Freeh noted, were fairly stable over the seven months, but increased sharply if Wagner got a haircut or was absent from class.

Stacy Lindstrom, 13, and Jenny Chung, 12, cited by the FBI report as leaders of the ring, have allegedly logged an average of 17 Wagner-related phone hours per week since May. The pair was recorded discussing, among other things: how much they liked Wagner; which one of them liked Wagner more; and what they would do if Wagner ever spoke to them.

The two are also co-authors of the Official Everything In The World About Dylan Wagner Handbook. The handbook—a highly classified 12-page document assembled by Lindstrom and Chung containing a reported 47 pieces of information about Wagner, including what his favorite movie is, what girls he has allegedly kissed, and what shirt he was wearing during a Sept. 12, 1997, trip to Westlake Mall—has thus far eluded the FBI and is believed to be hidden deep within Lindstrom's closet.

FBI officials believe the four girls pictured to be the most active members of the crush ring--a clandestine network devoted to the admiration of Dylan Wagner.

In addition to Chung and Lindstrom, FBI officials named two other key members of the crush ring, Tonya Shanklin and Lisa Rugowski. A fifth member, whose identity has yet to be determined by the FBI, is referred to in the report by her alias, "Kell."

Also captured by FBI operatives was a 40-minute, Nov. 28, 1997, conversation between Shanklin and Lindstrom involving highly classified crush-ring operations, including plans to slip an anonymous note through the slats of Wagner's locker; ride past Wagner's house on bicycles; call Wagner's house and hang up; and take pictures of Wagner competing in Arlington West's Dec. 11 wrestling match against Tyler Middle School.

"The wiretaps reveal the extremely sub rosa nature of this crush ring," said FBI field operative Ron Pitti, who coordinated the wiretap effort. "Each girl was separately sworn to secrecy regarding any shared knowledge of the crush. In addition, each member was explicitly informed that the other members of the circle would, and I quote, 'totally kill you' if word of the crush ring ever were to get back to Dylan Wagner."

Arlington West science teacher and playground monitor Ida Edgell said she had suspected the girls "might be up to something," but opted not to investigate. "I've definitely seen these particular girls congregating in a suspicious manner during lunch hour," Edgell said. "But as long as no one's smoking or climbing up the flagpole, I just let them be."

While it is still unclear what action, if any, the federal government will take against members of the crush ring, their families are already moving forward with punitive action: The day the FBI report was released, Rugowski's parents scheduled an emergency house meeting.

"Lisa told me she was spending all that time on the phone working on a collaborative science project," Rugowski's mother, Sandra Rugowski, said. "Boy, oh boy, someone's getting grounded and good."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close