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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.
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FBI: 'You Know You’re Desperate When You’re Asking The American People For Help'

WASHINGTON—Saying that the last thing he ever wanted to do was ask “311 million mouth-breathing morons” for help, the Federal Bureau of Investigation freely admitted Thursday that by enlisting the services of the American people in apprehending the Boston Marathon bombers, the government agency had reached a new level of desperation. “Clearly I never wanted this to get to a point where I would have to stand here, hat in hand, asking the same group of people who make The Voice the No. 1 show on television for their help,” a visibly deflated FBI Special Agent in Charge Rick DesLauriers said during a press conference, after which he sighed, put up the FBI’s toll-free number, and said, “Have at it, idiots.” “But this is where we’re at. I can’t believe I’m actually going to say these words, but America, we need you.” Sources later confirmed that after listening to the first 10 calls made by American citizens into the FBI, investigators had reportedly disconnected the number and were asking citizens of Sweden and Germany if they knew anything about the two bombing suspects.

Continuing coverage of the Boston Marathon bombings

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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

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