adBlockCheck

Recent News

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
End Of Section
  • More News

FBI: 'You Know You’re Desperate When You’re Asking The American People For Help'

WASHINGTON—Saying that the last thing he ever wanted to do was ask “311 million mouth-breathing morons” for help, the Federal Bureau of Investigation freely admitted Thursday that by enlisting the services of the American people in apprehending the Boston Marathon bombers, the government agency had reached a new level of desperation. “Clearly I never wanted this to get to a point where I would have to stand here, hat in hand, asking the same group of people who make The Voice the No. 1 show on television for their help,” a visibly deflated FBI Special Agent in Charge Rick DesLauriers said during a press conference, after which he sighed, put up the FBI’s toll-free number, and said, “Have at it, idiots.” “But this is where we’re at. I can’t believe I’m actually going to say these words, but America, we need you.” Sources later confirmed that after listening to the first 10 calls made by American citizens into the FBI, investigators had reportedly disconnected the number and were asking citizens of Sweden and Germany if they knew anything about the two bombing suspects.

Continuing coverage of the Boston Marathon bombings

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close