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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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FCC Chief Cites Special Occasion For Allowing Vaginal Penetration On Network Sitcom

WASHINGTON—Following a controversial broadcast of CBS's The Big Bang Theory during which vaginal penetration could be seen on-screen for more than a minute, the FCC announced Friday it would not levy a fine against the network, saying the show was "a strong episode," and the cast and crew of the sitcom deserved some leeway to achieve their creative vision. "While the extended full-frontal shot of Howard's penis repeatedly entering Bernadette's exposed vagina is fairly explicit by most network TV standards, we made an exception, seeing as this was the season finale and the scene was sort of necessary to advance the story," said FCC chairman Julius Genachowski, who claimed the show's 8 p.m. airtime meant most kids were probably asleep anyway. "Also, a lot of the funniest jokes wouldn't have made sense without actually showing the act of penetration all the way through to Howard ejaculating, so we figured we'd bend the rules just this once." Genachowski added that it wasn't as if the two characters were smoking cigarettes while they were copulating or anything bad like that.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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