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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.
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FCC Chief Cites Special Occasion For Allowing Vaginal Penetration On Network Sitcom

WASHINGTON—Following a controversial broadcast of CBS's The Big Bang Theory during which vaginal penetration could be seen on-screen for more than a minute, the FCC announced Friday it would not levy a fine against the network, saying the show was "a strong episode," and the cast and crew of the sitcom deserved some leeway to achieve their creative vision. "While the extended full-frontal shot of Howard's penis repeatedly entering Bernadette's exposed vagina is fairly explicit by most network TV standards, we made an exception, seeing as this was the season finale and the scene was sort of necessary to advance the story," said FCC chairman Julius Genachowski, who claimed the show's 8 p.m. airtime meant most kids were probably asleep anyway. "Also, a lot of the funniest jokes wouldn't have made sense without actually showing the act of penetration all the way through to Howard ejaculating, so we figured we'd bend the rules just this once." Genachowski added that it wasn't as if the two characters were smoking cigarettes while they were copulating or anything bad like that.

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