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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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FCC Sniper Takes Out Matthew McConaughey To Prevent Live Broadcast Of Profanity

BEVERLY HILLS, CA—Having vowed an oath to enforce the government agency’s strict decency standards, a Federal Communications Commission sniper positioned inside the Beverly Hilton Hotel successfully prevented the live broadcast of profanity Sunday night by firing a single fatal shot into Matthew McConaughey’s left temple during the 72nd Golden Globe Awards. “All of our FCC marksmen are highly trained and authorized to neutralize any threat to public propriety, and in this instance, the real and imminent risk that an offensive word might be uttered on live airwaves necessitated the use of deadly force against film actor Matthew McConaughey,” said FCC chairman Tom Wheeler, praising the camouflaged sharpshooter who took up a position among the A-list crowd and kept his rifle’s laser sight trained on the foreheads of whichever presenters and honorees were speaking onstage, as is customary at all live awards galas. “It is unfortunate whenever the FCC must fire a lethal head shot to ensure a broadcast remains family-friendly, but we are tasked with a grave responsibility to protect the vulnerable viewing audience. Such executions are a small price to pay to ensure that millions of Americans are safe from language of a vulgar or sexually provocative nature.” Wheeler added that the FCC was “100 percent fine” with the airing of the graphic violence and bloodshed that resulted from its sniper’s actions.

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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

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