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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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FDA Approves Female-Libido-Enhancing Man

WASHINGTON—In an effort to address the needs of women suffering from a lack of sexual desire, the FDA announced Tuesday that it had approved a new female-libido-enhancing man, which is expected to be made available to the general public by year’s end. “After conducting numerous trials on hundreds of female subjects with low sex drives, we determined that this man significantly increased sexual interest among women of all ages,” said FDA representative Jane Newlon, who noted that using the 75kg man, known as Gabriel, every day had been shown to activate the regions of the brain associated with pleasure, increase blood flow to the genitals, and boost instances of orgasm by almost 40 percent. “We observed a sharp rise in libido immediately after the man is introduced, with stimulative effects lasting for up to four hours at a time. In a marketplace dominated by male-libido-enhancing products, it is a significant milestone to finally have a safe, effective option for women who want to increase their arousal, and that is exactly what this man offers.” Newlon went on to warn consumers that when mixed with alcohol, the man becomes much less effective.


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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

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