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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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FDA Approves Female-Libido-Enhancing Man

WASHINGTON—In an effort to address the needs of women suffering from a lack of sexual desire, the FDA announced Tuesday that it had approved a new female-libido-enhancing man, which is expected to be made available to the general public by year’s end. “After conducting numerous trials on hundreds of female subjects with low sex drives, we determined that this man significantly increased sexual interest among women of all ages,” said FDA representative Jane Newlon, who noted that using the 75kg man, known as Gabriel, every day had been shown to activate the regions of the brain associated with pleasure, increase blood flow to the genitals, and boost instances of orgasm by almost 40 percent. “We observed a sharp rise in libido immediately after the man is introduced, with stimulative effects lasting for up to four hours at a time. In a marketplace dominated by male-libido-enhancing products, it is a significant milestone to finally have a safe, effective option for women who want to increase their arousal, and that is exactly what this man offers.” Newlon went on to warn consumers that when mixed with alcohol, the man becomes much less effective.

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