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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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FDA Approves New Drug For Treating Pill Deficiencies

WASHINGTON—In what is being considered a major breakthrough for the millions of Americans suffering from a severe lack of capsules and tablets, the FDA announced Friday that it had approved a new drug for treating pill deficiencies. “After months of clinical testing, our studies show that regular usage of this drug provides an immediate boost to the number of caplets in the patient’s body,” said FDA spokesperson Anita Brown-Reed, noting that the fast-acting medication is safe for people of all ages who currently experience symptoms of pill shortage, such as seeing just one or two bottles of medicine in their bathroom cabinet or swallowing capsules twice a week or less. “Certainly those with dangerously low levels of pills may need to take a stronger dosage, possibly three or even four of these 500 mg tablets per day, based on their physician’s recommendation. Overall, however, this treatment appears to provide hope for the countless Americans who are currently living with an entire empty row in their pillbox.” Brown-Reed noted, however, that the new pill may leave patients with an increased risk of co-pays.

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