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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.
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FDA Approves New Drug For Treating Pill Deficiencies

WASHINGTON—In what is being considered a major breakthrough for the millions of Americans suffering from a severe lack of capsules and tablets, the FDA announced Friday that it had approved a new drug for treating pill deficiencies. “After months of clinical testing, our studies show that regular usage of this drug provides an immediate boost to the number of caplets in the patient’s body,” said FDA spokesperson Anita Brown-Reed, noting that the fast-acting medication is safe for people of all ages who currently experience symptoms of pill shortage, such as seeing just one or two bottles of medicine in their bathroom cabinet or swallowing capsules twice a week or less. “Certainly those with dangerously low levels of pills may need to take a stronger dosage, possibly three or even four of these 500 mg tablets per day, based on their physician’s recommendation. Overall, however, this treatment appears to provide hope for the countless Americans who are currently living with an entire empty row in their pillbox.” Brown-Reed noted, however, that the new pill may leave patients with an increased risk of co-pays.

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