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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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FDA Approves Of What New Drug Is Going For

WASHINGTON—Officials at the Food and Drug Administration announced Tuesday that they approve of the basic direction Pfizer's new drug Ribastrol is headed in. "We like what you guys are trying to do here: kind of a Zoloft thing with some Levitra-esque undertones thrown in there, too," said Commissioner Margaret Hamburg, adding that the FDA essentially dug Ribastrol's general vibe. "We encourage all of you at Pfizer to play around with it a bit and tighten up some of its chemical configurations. And then, you know, get back to us." Hamburg said the FDA also recommends that Pfizer check out what the folks over at Novartis have been doing lately, because it might be right up their alley.

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