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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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FDA Approves Of What New Drug Is Going For

WASHINGTON—Officials at the Food and Drug Administration announced Tuesday that they approve of the basic direction Pfizer's new drug Ribastrol is headed in. "We like what you guys are trying to do here: kind of a Zoloft thing with some Levitra-esque undertones thrown in there, too," said Commissioner Margaret Hamburg, adding that the FDA essentially dug Ribastrol's general vibe. "We encourage all of you at Pfizer to play around with it a bit and tighten up some of its chemical configurations. And then, you know, get back to us." Hamburg said the FDA also recommends that Pfizer check out what the folks over at Novartis have been doing lately, because it might be right up their alley.

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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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