FDA: Everyone Needs To Induce Vomiting Right Now

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Vol 47 Issue 31

Blogging Teacher To Return To Work

After a brief suspension, a Pennsylvania teacher will be returning to work at the same high school whose students, faculty, and administrators she criticized in blog posts.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Family

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Race Relations

FDA: Everyone Needs To Induce Vomiting Right Now

WASHINGTON—In a hastily called press conference broadcast live on all major television networks this morning, Food and Drug Administration commissioner Margaret A. Hamburg implored every citizen of the United States to induce vomiting immediately. "Please, everybody, there's no time to explain. Just gag yourselves, drink ipecac, do whatever is necessary to puke everything out right now—all of it," Hamburg said moments before jamming her index and middle fingers deep into her throat and violently disgorging the contents of her stomach all over the lectern. "Do it now! Now, now, now!" As of press time, the FDA released a statement saying that everyone should have vomited by now and informing those who hadn't that it was "too late."

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