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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.
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FDA: Juicy Green Apple Conditioner Best Used With Juicy Green Apple Shampoo

WASHINGTON, DC—According to a warning issued by the Food and Drug Administration Monday, a generous amount of Suave Naturals Juicy Green Apple Conditioner should always be applied evenly and massaged into wet hair after washing with Suave Naturals Juicy Green Apple Shampoo.

"This is absolutely essential for optimal shine, shimmer, and texture," said FDA spokeswoman Linda Mergens, who urged Americans to grab the product off the shelves and buy it after health officials discovered that the shampoo contains vitamin E, which is crucial for bringing out the natural beauty in hair. "Consumers should never under any circumstances mix Suave Naturals Juicy Green Apple Conditioner with Pert Plus, as it may impair luster."

The FDA also warned that failure to use the product properly could result in hair not smelling like apples.

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