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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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FDA: Juicy Green Apple Conditioner Best Used With Juicy Green Apple Shampoo

WASHINGTON, DC—According to a warning issued by the Food and Drug Administration Monday, a generous amount of Suave Naturals Juicy Green Apple Conditioner should always be applied evenly and massaged into wet hair after washing with Suave Naturals Juicy Green Apple Shampoo.

"This is absolutely essential for optimal shine, shimmer, and texture," said FDA spokeswoman Linda Mergens, who urged Americans to grab the product off the shelves and buy it after health officials discovered that the shampoo contains vitamin E, which is crucial for bringing out the natural beauty in hair. "Consumers should never under any circumstances mix Suave Naturals Juicy Green Apple Conditioner with Pert Plus, as it may impair luster."

The FDA also warned that failure to use the product properly could result in hair not smelling like apples.

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