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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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FDA: Juicy Green Apple Conditioner Best Used With Juicy Green Apple Shampoo

WASHINGTON, DC—According to a warning issued by the Food and Drug Administration Monday, a generous amount of Suave Naturals Juicy Green Apple Conditioner should always be applied evenly and massaged into wet hair after washing with Suave Naturals Juicy Green Apple Shampoo.

"This is absolutely essential for optimal shine, shimmer, and texture," said FDA spokeswoman Linda Mergens, who urged Americans to grab the product off the shelves and buy it after health officials discovered that the shampoo contains vitamin E, which is crucial for bringing out the natural beauty in hair. "Consumers should never under any circumstances mix Suave Naturals Juicy Green Apple Conditioner with Pert Plus, as it may impair luster."

The FDA also warned that failure to use the product properly could result in hair not smelling like apples.

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