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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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FDA Okays Every Drug Pending Approval, Takes Rest Of Year Off

ROCKVILLE, MD—Commissioner Lester M. Crawford of the Food and Drug Administration announced Monday that the FDA has cleared all 314 drugs pending approval—from Avoxildon to Zofax KB—and plans to take the remainder of the year off. "Hmm, 'Monozyklin... a selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitor... may cause irregular heart murmur'... That sounds reasonable," Crawford said, reading the drugs' intended uses from a checklist. "I'm sure Merck wouldn't have bothered making this if it didn't actually work. Approved!" Crawford said he'll use the rest of November to research his month-long Christmas travel plans.

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