adBlockCheck

Recent News

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:

Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:
End Of Section
  • More News

FDA Recalls Food

WASHINGTON—Saying it was vitally important that citizens avoid consuming any of the affected items, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration issued a nationwide recall of all food Wednesday. “We are asking all Americans to return any edible products they own to the store where these items were purchased or to discard such items immediately,” said FDA commissioner Margaret Hamburg at a morning press conference, specifying that under no circumstances should Americans eat grains, meats, produce, nuts, dairy products, processed foodstuffs, sweets, spices, or any other source of sustenance, nor should they feed any of these foods to animals or leave them within the reach of children. “If you are eating something right now, please discontinue doing so. We will let you know when it is okay to consume food again.” Hamburg noted that salt, baking soda, and all foods manufactured before 2002 were unaffected by the recall.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close