FDA Recalls Food

In This Section

Vol 50 Issue 25

Oldest Human Poop Discovered In Spain

Archaeologists working at an ancient campsite in Alicante, Spain discovered a pile of poop left by Neanderthals 50,000 years ago, which revealed that they were not strict carnivores as previously believed, but also ate plant matter.

Birthday Wish Wasted On Trying To Bring Dad Back

The U.S. Government sets aside 600,000 acres of pristine land for future generations to pollute, John Kerry says ‘to defeat them, I must become them,’ while putting on a black face mask, and a birthday wish is wasted on trying to bring dad bac...

Bedtime Story From Fucking Bible Again

BEAVERTON, OR—Saying that he has to deal with this shit every single night, local 6-year-old Andrew Neel was exasperated to learn Thursday that the bedtime story his mother would be reading him was once again from the fucking Bible, sources confirme...

Study: Women Who Give Birth Later Live Longer

According to a new study from the Boston University School of Medicine, women who naturally conceive and give birth to their last child after age 33 are twice as likely to live to age 95 as those who give birth to their last child before age 30.

Most Popular Fitness Trends

Workout programs such as CrossFit and Tabata have surged in popularity in recent years as Americans look for new and engaging ways to lose weight, get in shape, and build muscle.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fun

  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Spring

FDA Recalls Food

WASHINGTON—Saying it was vitally important that citizens avoid consuming any of the affected items, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration issued a nationwide recall of all food Wednesday. “We are asking all Americans to return any edible products they own to the store where these items were purchased or to discard such items immediately,” said FDA commissioner Margaret Hamburg at a morning press conference, specifying that under no circumstances should Americans eat grains, meats, produce, nuts, dairy products, processed foodstuffs, sweets, spices, or any other source of sustenance, nor should they feed any of these foods to animals or leave them within the reach of children. “If you are eating something right now, please discontinue doing so. We will let you know when it is okay to consume food again.” Hamburg noted that salt, baking soda, and all foods manufactured before 2002 were unaffected by the recall.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More