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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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FDA Recommends Adding Little Tabasco To That Bad Boy

WASHINGTON—In an effort to ensure all Americans receive a zesty kick, the Food and Drug Administration officially recommended Tuesday adding a little Tabasco to that bad boy. “Based on years of research and dozens of clinical trials, our agency strongly advocates that citizens put a splash of Tabasco right on that sucker,” said FDA acting commissioner Stephen Ostroff at an afternoon press conference, stressing that both adults and children sprinkle several hot and peppery drops right on that thing for some real serious zip. “It’s important that Americans closely follow these guidelines because this baby is practically begging for some heat. Our findings clearly indicate that it just needs a little something extra, and just a touch of that fiery Tabasco tang will take it to another level in the flavor department.” Ostroff repeatedly emphasized that Americans need not worry about how much Tabasco they put on that mother, adding that a bold, spicy zing was just what the doctor ordered.

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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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