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FDA Recommends Adding Little Tabasco To That Bad Boy

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Area Man Disappointed In Self For Already Being Full

GREEN VALLEY, AZ—Compelled by physical discomfort to set down the remainder of his pulled pork sandwich and discontinue eating the small mound of French fries still sitting on his plate, local man Shane Plimpton was said to be deeply disappointed in himself Wednesday for already being full.

Diners Slightly Unnerved That Waitress Didn't Write Down Order

PORTLAND, OR–A Chili's waitress identified only as "Karen" made a six-person lunch party uncomfortable Monday when she didn't write down their orders. "We ordered a heck of a lot of stuff," diner Dennis Bernardo told his dining companions. "You think she'll actually remember the 'no olives' in Bob's Greek salad? And my request for marinara sauce instead of alfredo on my pasta? I'm sure she knows what she's doing, but I still kinda wish she'd written it down." Fellow diner Sandi Slocum said she was going to add a Coke to her order just as the waitress was leaving, but opted not to for fear of "complicating things."

Use Of Organic Peanut Butter Adds Two Minutes To Local Man's Life

BERKELEY, CA–Vincent Dunst, manager of a Berkeley-area food cooperative, has added two minutes to his life by consuming organic peanut butter instead of major brands, health-food experts reported Monday. "Store-bought brands like Jif and Skippy are loaded with artificial emulsifiers and preservatives. Some of them even contain brown dyes to make them look more 'peanut buttery,'" Dunst said. "This all-natural Sunset Farms peanut butter contains absolutely nothing but fresh peanuts and a little bit of sea salt–and, as an added bonus, the jar is glass instead of plastic." Dunst has also added 22 seconds to his life by starting off each day with a frosty, fiber-rich "Bulgur Smoothie."
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FDA Recommends Adding Little Tabasco To That Bad Boy

WASHINGTON—In an effort to ensure all Americans receive a zesty kick, the Food and Drug Administration officially recommended Tuesday adding a little Tabasco to that bad boy. “Based on years of research and dozens of clinical trials, our agency strongly advocates that citizens put a splash of Tabasco right on that sucker,” said FDA acting commissioner Stephen Ostroff at an afternoon press conference, stressing that both adults and children sprinkle several hot and peppery drops right on that thing for some real serious zip. “It’s important that Americans closely follow these guidelines because this baby is practically begging for some heat. Our findings clearly indicate that it just needs a little something extra, and just a touch of that fiery Tabasco tang will take it to another level in the flavor department.” Ostroff repeatedly emphasized that Americans need not worry about how much Tabasco they put on that mother, adding that a bold, spicy zing was just what the doctor ordered.

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