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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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FDA Recommends Adding Little Tabasco To That Bad Boy

WASHINGTON—In an effort to ensure all Americans receive a zesty kick, the Food and Drug Administration officially recommended Tuesday adding a little Tabasco to that bad boy. “Based on years of research and dozens of clinical trials, our agency strongly advocates that citizens put a splash of Tabasco right on that sucker,” said FDA acting commissioner Stephen Ostroff at an afternoon press conference, stressing that both adults and children sprinkle several hot and peppery drops right on that thing for some real serious zip. “It’s important that Americans closely follow these guidelines because this baby is practically begging for some heat. Our findings clearly indicate that it just needs a little something extra, and just a touch of that fiery Tabasco tang will take it to another level in the flavor department.” Ostroff repeatedly emphasized that Americans need not worry about how much Tabasco they put on that mother, adding that a bold, spicy zing was just what the doctor ordered.

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