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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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FDA Relaxes Definition Of Smoothie

WASHINGTON—In a decision with far-reaching implications for the thick-drink industry, the Food and Drug Administration announced Monday that it is relaxing the standards all chilled, blended fruit beverages must meet in order to be labeled a smoothie. “For the first time in more than 50 years of strict oversight, the federal government will now recognize any drink that is not uniformly smooth, but includes pieces of fruit less than 0.72 centimeters in diameter, as a smoothie,” FDA spokesperson Linda Furman said. “Kiwi, cherimoya, and Bartlett pear flavors are now also permitted, as well as sherbet at levels constituting no more than 8 percent of total volume.” Furman added that a new concoction sold by the Pfizer pharmaceutical company and composed entirely of blended Xanax, whiskey, and ice has been categorized by the FDA as a yogurt drink.

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