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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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FDA Report Finds Food Prevents Hunger 98% Of Time When Properly Used

SILVER SPRING, MD—In its largest study of safe dietary practices to date, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration announced Tuesday that when used correctly, food is successful in preventing hunger approximately 98 percent of the time. “After researching the effects of nourishment, we found that if people put food in their mouth and make sure to get it all the way down to the base of their esophagus, hunger can be averted almost every time,” said FDA spokesman Ken Simmons, who during a press conference demonstrated the proper usage of food with a banana. “Granted, there’s no 100-percent foolproof way to avoid getting hungry, but we can make a huge difference by ensuring people know the facts: that food can’t be reused once it’s been eaten, that the outer wrapping must be removed first, and that they should always check the expiration date.” Simmons went on to commend the many U.S. schools that offer free meals to students, but warned that they would be ineffective without proper instruction on when and how to eat them.


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