adBlockCheck

Recent News

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
End Of Section
  • More News

FDA To Increase Recommended Dosage Of Acetaminophen For Children Who Can Handle Their Shit

WASHINGTON—The Food and Drug Administration announced Friday that it has approved an increase in the recommended dosage of acetaminophen for children who can hack it. "Our research shows there is a growing number of 2-year-olds out there who are fully able to keep their shit together and hang with the big boys," FDA commissioner Margaret Hamburg said. "Just because some toddlers evidently can't walk the walk doesn't mean that other children should be forced to settle for some pussy little 320 milligrams dose when they could easily handle 960 milligrams if it came down to it. "The three-fold increase of the previously recommended dosage reportedly came about after an FDA researcher accidentally gave her nephew more than she should have and he was totally fine.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close