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National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.
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FDA To Increase Recommended Dosage Of Acetaminophen For Children Who Can Handle Their Shit

WASHINGTON—The Food and Drug Administration announced Friday that it has approved an increase in the recommended dosage of acetaminophen for children who can hack it. "Our research shows there is a growing number of 2-year-olds out there who are fully able to keep their shit together and hang with the big boys," FDA commissioner Margaret Hamburg said. "Just because some toddlers evidently can't walk the walk doesn't mean that other children should be forced to settle for some pussy little 320 milligrams dose when they could easily handle 960 milligrams if it came down to it. "The three-fold increase of the previously recommended dosage reportedly came about after an FDA researcher accidentally gave her nephew more than she should have and he was totally fine.

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New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

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