SILVER SPRING, MD—Officials at the U.S. Food and Drug Administration called an emergency press conference Monday to urge all Americans to check out a really weird-looking potato.
The half-pound russet potato— discovered last night in a Maryland supermarket by an FDA agent who was grocery shopping—is being described as "two potatoes that sort of got fused together somehow, but with some other really weird parts growing off of it." The root vegetable has been deemed so bizarre in appearance that the normal functions of the agency have been suspended until further notice so that all 12,000 FDA employees will have the chance to see for themselves how crazy-looking the potato is.
"It is absolutely imperative that all U.S. citizens stop whatever they are doing immediately and check this thing out," FDA commissioner Dr. Margaret Hamburg said while holding the aberrant tuber aloft and staring at it askance. "I cannot stress this enough: Please do whatever you need to do to get a really good look at this weird-ass potato."
"Seriously, it is so freakin' weird," Hamburg continued. "At first, you don't even think it's a potato, but after you look at it for a minute, you realize it is a potato, but it's all fucked up."
FDA officials later announced they had already launched a special informational website featuring hundreds of images of the potato from every possible angle and extensive notes on its most unusual-appearing features.
Agents have posted several pieces of speculative analysis on the site addressing what could have possibly happened to make the potato all screwed up, the most compelling of which proffers the theory that maybe it "grew around a stick that was shoved into the ground or something."
Additionally, sources within the FDA have said that some of the potato's eyes have started to sprout, making the vegetable look infinitely weirder.
"The next step will be to get the potato into some sort of climate-controlled environment," said Hamburg, addressing interdepartmental concerns that the freakish potato would shrivel up before everyone got a chance to see it in person. "We're not going to make the same mistake we did with that tomato that looked like a butt."
Hamburg added that the weird-looking potato will temporarily be housed alongside the three-chambered peanut shell Hamburg herself discovered while eating lunch last October, and the rock that looks exactly like a regular potato, which was sent to the agency anonymously in 2009.