adBlockCheck

Recent News

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

Fearless Man Bravely Ventures Out Into U.S. Economy

The courageous, some might even say foolish, man heads out into the U.S. economy.
The courageous, some might even say foolish, man heads out into the U.S. economy.

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Steeling himself against brutal market conditions and an unforgiving fiscal climate, fearless local man Calvin Ordway boldly set out into the U.S. economy this week, sources close to the 32-year-old confirmed.

Clad in a dress shirt and khakis, armed with only his wits and basic computer skills, Ordway reportedly showed no hesitation as he opened his front door and strode through the breach into a bleak economic landscape where there likely exists absolutely no demand for any task he can perform or product he can create.

“Does this man have no fear of the financial ruin that almost certainly awaits him?” said economist Carol F. Weiss, describing the U.S. economy as “entirely inhospitable to humankind.” “He has ventured into a dark and treacherous place. Where he will emerge, whether he will emerge, is impossible to say. We can only hope against hope that he remains solvent long enough to make it out with his assets intact.”

God help him,” Weiss added.

According to sources, the college-educated Ordway entered the economy despite knowing it to be almost entirely devoid of revenue streams—and knowing that while his chances of finding profit in the barren, sparse wasteland were exceedingly small, the likelihood he would lose his way and fall victim to financial exposure was quite high.

Ordway was last seen behind the wheel of a 2001 Toyota Camary with 200,000 miles on its odometer, driving in the direction of a job believed to be located in a particularly tempestuous and unpredictable economic sector.

“This poor soul has left himself at the mercy of the economy of the United States of America,” said former SEC Chairman Arthur Levitt, appearing shocked and incredulous as he spoke to reporters. “Good Lord, I wouldn’t go anywhere near that place on a good day, let alone in times like these. To make it in this economy you need contacts, you need political alliances, you need to know how to game the system in your favor.”

“One false move could bankrupt him or, God forbid, something worse,” he added. “Tax codes, mortgage lenders, health insurers—if he loses his footing for even a moment, he could plunge into bottomless debt.”

Agreeing that each transaction he makes puts him at further risk and brings him closer and closer to financial oblivion, leading economists nonetheless acknowledged a grudging respect for the single-minded courage of Ordway’s “outright suicide mission.”

“He’s a damn fool, but you have to admire him,” economist Paul Krugman said. “To go straight into the belly of the beast, to willfully forsake the comfort of his home and family, to throw himself into the nightmarish heart of fiscal danger so willingly. Call him crazy if you want. The man has brass balls.”

Ordway’s wife, Louisa, meanwhile, expressed different concerns.

“I just hope he makes it back and doesn’t leave me and the children here alone,” she told reporters. “He’s a brave man. A stupid man, maybe. But a brave man, and I love him for it.”

While the motivation for Ordway’s daring trek remained uncertain, reports indicated he may have set forth on a quest for the fabled treasure of middle-class respectability said to lie hidden somewhere in the nation’s deepest economic recesses.

More from this section

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close