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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Fed Admits Up Until Now U.S. Has Just Been Coasting Off Money From 'Avatar'

'We Spent It All' Reveals Bernanke

WASHINGTON—Addressing the nation’s finances at a major economic conference Friday, Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke acknowledged that for the past three years the United States has been scraping by on the revenue generated by the 2009 sci-fi blockbuster Avatar. “By circulating $2.8 billion through the economy in gross box-office receipts alone, the cash from Avatar has been the only thing keeping America’s head above water,” said a solemn-faced Bernanke, adding that when money from the theatrical release ran dry, DVD sales had been able to pick up just enough slack to keep the United States solvent for another year. “We had hoped the Avatar money would see us through the end of 2012, but at this point we’ve blown through all the revenue from toys, clothing, video games, and book tie-ins, and it appears we are now headed over the fiscal cliff.” With a sequel not expected until 2015, Bernanke called for an emergency rerelease of the film “in IMAX 3-D with bonus scenes” in order to prevent the United States from defaulting on overseas loans.

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