adBlockCheck

Recent News

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Fed Admits Up Until Now U.S. Has Just Been Coasting Off Money From 'Avatar'

'We Spent It All' Reveals Bernanke

WASHINGTON—Addressing the nation’s finances at a major economic conference Friday, Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke acknowledged that for the past three years the United States has been scraping by on the revenue generated by the 2009 sci-fi blockbuster Avatar. “By circulating $2.8 billion through the economy in gross box-office receipts alone, the cash from Avatar has been the only thing keeping America’s head above water,” said a solemn-faced Bernanke, adding that when money from the theatrical release ran dry, DVD sales had been able to pick up just enough slack to keep the United States solvent for another year. “We had hoped the Avatar money would see us through the end of 2012, but at this point we’ve blown through all the revenue from toys, clothing, video games, and book tie-ins, and it appears we are now headed over the fiscal cliff.” With a sequel not expected until 2015, Bernanke called for an emergency rerelease of the film “in IMAX 3-D with bonus scenes” in order to prevent the United States from defaulting on overseas loans.

More from this section

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close