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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Fed Admits Up Until Now U.S. Has Just Been Coasting Off Money From 'Avatar'

'We Spent It All' Reveals Bernanke

WASHINGTON—Addressing the nation’s finances at a major economic conference Friday, Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke acknowledged that for the past three years the United States has been scraping by on the revenue generated by the 2009 sci-fi blockbuster Avatar. “By circulating $2.8 billion through the economy in gross box-office receipts alone, the cash from Avatar has been the only thing keeping America’s head above water,” said a solemn-faced Bernanke, adding that when money from the theatrical release ran dry, DVD sales had been able to pick up just enough slack to keep the United States solvent for another year. “We had hoped the Avatar money would see us through the end of 2012, but at this point we’ve blown through all the revenue from toys, clothing, video games, and book tie-ins, and it appears we are now headed over the fiscal cliff.” With a sequel not expected until 2015, Bernanke called for an emergency rerelease of the film “in IMAX 3-D with bonus scenes” in order to prevent the United States from defaulting on overseas loans.

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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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