Fed Chief Announces Lowering Of Interest In Fed Chief's Wife

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Vol 32 Issue 15

Southern Comfort Comforts Southerner

SMYRNA, TN—A well-known brand of alcohol proved worthy of its name Sunday as a bottle of Southern Comfort comforted Southerner Melvin Shifflett, providing him with a warm sense of well-being as he retreated into the soothing glow of intoxication. "I am definitely comforted right now," the 34-year-old Shifflett said. "The high alcohol content of this whiskey, not to mention its pleasant cherry flavor, has made me forget all about the pain of my recent divorce and mounting credit-card debt."

Six-Year-Old Announces Plans To Become Ballerina Gymnast Veterinarian Horseback-Riding Princess

MILESBURG, PA—In a pre-bedtime announcement before family members Monday, area six-year-old Stephanie Ambrose unveiled plans to become a ballerina gymnast veterinarian horseback-riding princess when she grows up. "Ashley is very much interested in that particular field," said Ambrose’s mother Patricia. "But she’s still keeping her options open: She’s also considering becoming an astronaut actress president basketball-playing magic fairy."

Area Gym Class Prepares For Mandatory Exposure Of Penises To Peers

ROANOKE, VA—It was learned Monday that male students in Riverview Middle School’s fourth-period gym class are preparing, as they do before every scheduled hour of physical education, for mandatory exposure of their near-hairless, tiny, adolescent penises to the scrutiny of their peers. "Everyone’s got to be completely nude," said gym teacher Randall Slavin. "Anyone refusing to participate in the group nudity will be disciplined under school policy." Said seventh-grader Tim Hilfer: "I’d known James Ketchner ever since he and his mom moved here from Phoenix. We’ve been in school together a long time, but in all those years I’d never seen his penis. Now, I see his penis five days a week, and he sees mine."

North Korea Ranked Least-Entertained Nation On Earth

UNITED NATIONS—A U.N. study released Tuesday revealed that North Korea is the least-entertained nation on earth. The notoriously isolated Communist nation ranked last in all 57 of the study’s entertainment-related statistical subcategories, including celebrity-to-ordinary-citizen ratio, number of Nintendo 64s per thousand persons, and per capita fun. "These North Koreans are starving for the sort of Hollywood-style thrills that we take for granted here in the U.S.," Secretary of State Madeleine Albright said. "It’s tragic."

War And Remembrance

To-day is Armistice Day, the day when we remember those who have fallen in battle defending our great Republic. I myself never served in the military, but I am proud to say that throughout my long life, I have instigated much violence and blood-shed.

Seize Him!

Ah, yes. I see you have captured my elusive Earthling quarry at last. Well done, guard! You have greatly pleased your master. Bring him forward at once! I wish to speak with him face to face... before his annihilation.

The Basics Of Cruising

Hola amigos. How's it hangin'? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but a lot of shit's been going down in Jim's part of town. See, I been working my ass off at this new job. You know how on trucks they have those running boards which are black, but they aren't painted because paint would come off real fast? Well, I work at a place where we put some black-powder crap onto the metal running boards and bake it for a while so it won't come off, even if you go off-roading. I guess you'd call me a powder boy, 'cause I apply the powder to the metal.

Ergonomic Advisors Call For $30 Million In Federal Lumbar Support

WASHINGTON, DC—Calling America’s current ergonomic situation "terribly strenuous on the nation’s lower-back region," a panel of top ergonomic advisors called upon Congress Monday to pass legislation allocating $30 million in federal lumbar support. "If the government does not begin addressing the problems facing the U.S. ergonomy," said MIT ergonomist Bryan Lam, "this nation will be unable to stand up in a few years."

Methushael Begets Lamech

JERUSALEM—According to a report released Monday by Pentateuch officials, 930-year-old area resident Adam had two sons, Abel and Cain, and Cain begat Enoch, and Enoch begat Mehujal, and Mehujal begat Methushael, and Methushael begat Lamech.
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Fed Chief Announces Lowering Of Interest In Fed Chief's Wife

WASHINGTON, DC—Testifying before Congress Monday, Federal Reserve Board Chairman Alan Greenspan announced a sharp lowering of his interest rate in his wife.

Fed Chief Alan Greenspan

"It's just not the same anymore," a visibly depressed Greenspan told members of the Senate Subcommittee on Economic Affairs. "After 12 years together, things are beginning to severely stagflate. We hardly even talk any more. The mutual fun we once had has greatly depreciated."

"I was hoping I would rebound strongly after last week's depression," Greenspan said, "but the downward cycle has continued. I just don't know what to do—maybe it's over between us."

Burying his face in his hands, Greenspan characterized his years of long-term, heavy investment in the relationship as "low-yield."

Among the numerous factors in his declining interest rate, Greenspan said, was his wife's recent inflation. "In the past six months or so, I have noticed rapidly fluctuating weight-gain factors, including significant growth in the hips and thighs," he said. "Her current rate of expansion is greater than at any time since the weeks before her October '87 crash diet."

Asked what the underlying reasons for his wife's inflation might be, Greenspan posited that she had "renewed her overreliance on cream sauces." Further, he said, "The Appetizer-Per-Dinner ratio (APD) is up to .93, while the corollary formula of Salads-Per-Appetizer (SPA) has continued its precipitous decline. And midnight snacks are now an everyday occurrence."

But insiders like Lucille Strock, a Washington socialite and close friend of the couple's, said that Greenspan's wife, NBC News correspondent Andrea Mitchell, "has always turned to food when she gets depressed," and noted that Greenspan "has been so busy with running the Federal Reserve Board lately that he hardly ever gets to see her, and it's made her feel lonely. I think she's been trying to get his attention."

Despite Greenspan's complaints about Mitchell, many of the fed chief's close advisors believe that the source of his malaise lies within himself.

"Alan is going through a 'zero-growth' phase of his life right now, and he is unfairly placing the blame on Andrea," said Alice Rivlin, vice chair of the Federal Reserve Board. "His prolonged hairline recession and recent 71st birthday have made him feel like the end of his life is near, resulting in severe emotional fluctuations. What Alan needs to do is find a way to artificially stimulate personal growth—perhaps he could take up a hobby, like jogging or stamp collecting."

Following the Greenspan announcement, the Dow fell more than 100 points Monday, a drop many Wall Street watchers attribute to investors' decreasing confidence in the fed chief's ability to find lasting happiness.

"I think people sense that this is more than just a correction, more than a long-overdue adjustment following a period of unusually high spirits for the fed chief," Prudential Securities vice-president Walter Selkirk said. "People are concerned that this is the start of a long, deep depression."

In an effort to allay public fears, U.S. Treasury Secretary Robert Rubin held a press conference Tuesday, asserting that Greenspan's emotional downturn was "perfectly natural and in no way indicative of an imminent personal or marital collapse."

"I want to assure everyone that Mr. Greenspan's life is running smoothly, and he is fully committed to his merger with his wife," Rubin said. "He's just hit a slight bump in the road. As long as he maintains confidence in himself, everything will be just fine."

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