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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.
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Fed: 'If Jobs Are Meant To Be With Us, They'll Come Back On Their Own'

WASHINGTON—Following a two-day meeting to discuss the country's continually disappointing employment numbers, officials from the Federal Reserve announced Friday that if jobs are really meant to be with the American people, they’ll return of their own volition. "Listen, if it's meant to be, it’ll happen," said Fed chairman Ben Bernanke, adding that there’s no point in purchasing new mortgage-backed securities or keeping the federal funds rate near zero percent "if both parties don't want this to work." "We can't spend all our time and energy trying to force this. We have to let them do their own thing, and if they don't come back, then maybe we were just never meant to be together." Bernanke confirmed that, while he is realistic about the slim chance of jobs ever actually returning, Americans should "always leave the door open" in case things change in the future.

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