adBlockCheck

Recent News

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Fed: 'If Jobs Are Meant To Be With Us, They'll Come Back On Their Own'

WASHINGTON—Following a two-day meeting to discuss the country's continually disappointing employment numbers, officials from the Federal Reserve announced Friday that if jobs are really meant to be with the American people, they’ll return of their own volition. "Listen, if it's meant to be, it’ll happen," said Fed chairman Ben Bernanke, adding that there’s no point in purchasing new mortgage-backed securities or keeping the federal funds rate near zero percent "if both parties don't want this to work." "We can't spend all our time and energy trying to force this. We have to let them do their own thing, and if they don't come back, then maybe we were just never meant to be together." Bernanke confirmed that, while he is realistic about the slim chance of jobs ever actually returning, Americans should "always leave the door open" in case things change in the future.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close