Fed to Make Interest Rates Undulate Relaxingly

In This Section

Vol 30 Issue 02

Christ's Face Seen On Miracle Canvas

FLORENCE, ITALY—Millions flocked to a museum in Florence this week to witness an image of Christ's face suspended on an ordinary piece of canvas. "It is Him!" said Paolo Bruni, 63, a merchant from Sorrento who traveled 200 miles to the diSforzi Museum to see the vision of Christ floating in the middle of a "golden rectangle." "It is truly a miracle," he said. Despite the clear depiction of Christ, many remain unconvinced. "It is a trick of the light," said German tourist Dieter Ühler, 34. "This is, ah, how do you say, an impossibility." The discovery of the miracle canvas comes just weeks after the supposed discovery of a 9x12-inch piece of paper with some fruit on it in a French museum.

Sports De-Emphasized

WASHINGTON, DC—After occupying a pre-eminent position in American culture for more than half a century, sports was de-emphasized Sunday, returning to what one U.S. spokesperson called "a more proper perspective." Phase one of the de-emphasis begins next week, when U.S. citizens will be stripped of all pro team merchandise, including Starter-brand NFL team jackets, officially licensed replica NBA jerseys and any remaining wacky fan novelty items. "I am going to fight this, as it is my strong conviction that sports is life, and the rest is just details," said Chicago resident Brian Fordson, clutching his Tazmanian Devil-Chicago Bears beer-dispenser/ helmet. According to reports, replacing sports in national importance will be either folk dancing or the study of the pre-WWI immigrant labor movement.

Adorable Puppy Nets Owner Handjob

AUSTIN, TX—Area puppy Patches netted owner James Kearney a handjob yesterday, using his undeniable puppy adorability to attract an attractive human female on behalf of his owner. According to reports, during a routine afternoon walk, Patches, a three-month-old yellow lab, stopped and playfully lapped the heels of area resident Rachel West, 20, who within minutes converted her strong feelings of affection toward Patches into sexual attraction for his owner. Kearney strongly denied allegations that he intentionally used the dog to win sexual favors.

Governor Lashes Out Against Cheap Scotch, Poorly Rolled Cigars

MONTPELIER, VT—In an angry address before supporters, Gov. James Kingery Monday railed against what he called "cheap-ass, watered-down scotch" and "cigars so poorly rolled they fall apart when you smoke them." He also lambasted magazines with pages so glossy that they're unreadable, and his wife's inability to gyrate and speak in a sexy manner during intercourse. "I've had it," Kingery told an assembled crowd of 2,000 at the State Capitol. "And I plan to drive legislation through the State Assembly to take action on these injustices." Gov. Kingery later recanted the statements, admitting he was "coked to the gills" at the time.

Is There Life on Mars?

NASA scientists recently discovered a Martian rock that may contain the remains of ancient life, raising the distinct possibility that we are not alone in the universe. What do you think?

How to Make a Newspaper Hat

I have two things I would like to say to the youth of today. First, kiss my blue-veined hiney! You're not fit to carry my coat, you insolent little bastards. Second, here is how to make a newspaper hat. I'm only going to tell you this once, so clean the wool out of your ears and listen up.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Spring

Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Fed to Make Interest Rates Undulate Relaxingly

WASHINGTON, DC—In a major step toward establishing a more "soothing and peaceful" U.S. economy by Fiscal Year 1998, Federal Reserve Board Chairman Alan Greenspan announced yesterday that he will make the prime lending rate undulate relaxingly, moving back and forth in a restful, wavelike motion.

Noting the severely jarring ups and downs that have characterized the nation's economy over the last 18 months, Greenspan told a meeting of the House Ways and Means Committee:

"We will manipulate the money supply in such a way that Americans feel as though they are being pleasantly lofted on a gentle ocean wave, up and down, up and down, crest following trough and trough following crest, over and over and over, until they are floating rhythmically, happily, dreamily, on an undulating sea of economic prosperity."

Said noted Harvard University economist Laurence Stockbridge: "Ahhhhhh."

If successful, Greenspan's fiscal policy should greatly increase the soothing, stress-reductive and pleasantly rocking qualities of our nation's economic graphs, and also significantly reduce sensations of grating, annoying or shrill alarmism on the part of economists themselves, long considered to be one of America's leading causes of hypertension and migraine headache pain.

Greenspan's announcement was greeted by bipartisan enthusiasm.

"In the past four years, I believe the U.S. has made strong economic progress," President Clinton said. "I do admit, however, that much of this progress has been attained in a somewhat rough, herky-jerky fashion. Mr. Greenspan's plan should help make the U.S. economy once again the world's most restful."

House Ways and Means Committee Chair Thomas Ronson (R-PA) also praised the new policy, saying it will "no doubt 'take the edge off,' removing a lot of those jagged, pointy lines, the ones with all the sharp peaks and valleys, from our nation's graphs."

By and large, Wall Street analysts are expressing pleasant sensations of muscular relaxation at the Fed's move, as well. Ted Danziger, Economic Policy Analyst for Merrill Lynch, said yesterday that the shift in policy is "already having a strong effect, especially down there in the lumbar region... Oooh, yeah, right there. Yessssss."

Greenspan explained that his plan, which will involve a regular, waterbed-like vibration of currency issuance and lending rates, was inspired by Japanese economist Tokuba Mashimoto, who told him Japan's success was "due to the incorporation of restful shiatsu techniques in national fiscal policy."

Mashimoto also strongly advised Greenspan to take deep breaths and exhale slowly, and cited reclining in a prone position with gentle caressing from a loved one or professional prostitute as a "particularly effective economic policy."

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More