adBlockCheck

Politics

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
End Of Section
  • More News

Fed-Up Cheney Enters Presidential Race Himself

WASHINGTON, DC—As President Bush's public-approval ratings hit an all-time low, Vice-President Dick Cheney announced Monday that he has been "forced" to throw his hat into the ring for the 2004 presidential race.

Cheney announces his bid for the Oval Office.

"Enough is enough,'" the visibly annoyed Cheney said at a morning press conference. "George blew the whole Iraqi prison-abuse speech, and he barely did better with his Nicholas Berg reaction. Now he's below 50 percent in the polls. I'm sorry, but I can't allow him to drag me down with him in November."

"Do I have to do everything around here?" Cheney asked, pausing to gesture angrily around the White House. "I guess I do."

While Cheney has not yet chosen a running mate, he said it "certainly will not be the president."

"I ordered him not to get up there and talk about gay marriage last week, but he insisted," Cheney added. "He said, 'This will work.' Yeah, it worked to alienate a ton of voters. I'm sorry, but he's out."

Cheney said that, while he would rather not run for president, Bush has left him little choice.

"I was perfectly happy letting George take the spotlight," Cheney said. "If things didn't look so grim, I would've continued to direct the re-election campaign from the wings. But I could see that it was time to get out—now, before the first debate."

The announcement of Cheney's bid for the presidency came as a major surprise, even to political insiders.

"It seems sudden, but it's not," he said. "I've been mulling this over ever since the last State Of The Union address, to be honest. I decided to go through with it last night, when I stopped by the president's office to discuss a speech I'd dropped off earlier that day and caught him sitting on the couch, watching Fox News and eating Fritos. He hadn't even picked the damn thing up. I exploded. I said, 'That's it. Next year, I'm running this country myself.'"

Some have called Cheney the most active vice-president in the history of the executive branch. Cheney characterized this view of his term as the "understatement of the year."

"Every damn thing he did right since 2000 I told him to do," Cheney said. "You think Afghanistan was his idea? The tax cuts? The Medicare bill? No, no, and no. But all my years of hard work go right down the drain when he stands up in front of everyone and mispronounces [Italian prime minister] Silvio Berlusconi's name."

Bush appearing in public holding a chainsaw will no longer affect Cheney's chances in November.

According to the vice-president, the Cheney Administration would be much more streamlined and efficient than Bush's administration has been.

"Let me tell you this: It'd be a lot easier just to give a speech myself and do it right, rather than spending six hours trying to explain everything to the president—only to have him botch it anyway," Cheney said. "That 'I don't know what you're saying and I don't care' look in his eyes when I start talking policy drives me absolutely bonkers. And he wonders why the reporters are so hard on him."

Continued Cheney: "I spent days, literally days, talking him through the jobs-and-growth plan. But when he had to explain it on his own, he said, and this is a direct quote, 'I'd rather that, in order to get out of this recession, that the people be spending their money, not the government trying to figure out how to spend the people's money.'"

Disgusted, the vice-president threw his hands in the air.

"I don't have enough time in my day to spend half of it cleaning up George's mistakes," Cheney said. "I'd rather be preparing strategy for the next couple of wars. Those things don't just plan themselves."

Few White House officials question Cheney's intelligence, experience, or political effectiveness.

"Cheney's definitely got the chops for the job," House Speaker Dennis Hastert said. "Frankly, he's been very patient with the president. He's given him every chance to get his act together, but you can't keep your money on a losing horse."

Cheney's office has been busy preparing the necessary paperwork to run against Bush. However, he has not yet removed himself from the president's re-election ticket. Some say Bush campaign officials are trying to convince Cheney to remain on the Bush ticket, even if he runs against him.

"One thing is clear: There is no reason for Dick Cheney to leave the White House come January," Bush campaign advisor Karen Hughes said. "He's been doing a great job."

When pressed to name a possible running mate, Cheney was somewhat reserved.

"I don't want to tip my hand," Cheney said. "But right now I'm taking a good long look at the governor of Florida. He seems like he'd be a little easier to handle."

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close