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Entertainment

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history
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Entertainment

Federal Court Orders Cosmopolitan To Reveal Beauty Secrets

WASHINGTON, DC—Following a federal grand jury injunction Tuesday, the editors of Cosmopolitan have been ordered to turn over classified documents revealing top-level beauty secrets originating deep within the magazine's inner circle.

Cover of April 1997 edition of Cosmopolitan Magazine.

"The American people have a right to know which apricot scrubs are best for exfoliating the skin and clarifying clogged pores," said Fifth Circuit Judge William J. Messersmith after the order was served. "And if there is a way to eliminate combination skin—wherein the face is oily in the 'T-zone' and dry in the cheeks—such vital, appearance-enhancing information must be made available to all Americans."

In accordance with the court's decision, on May 1, 1997, 10 beauty secrets from Cosmopolitan files will be opened to the public for the first time. Among the carefully guarded secrets to be revealed: the right hairstyle for your facial shape; unleashing those lashes; the truth about anti-residue shampoos; and 10 great avocado masks for under $10.

Cosmopolitan lawyers expressed "great disappointment" with Monday's decision. "This represents not only a travesty of justice, but a serious blow to national security," said Calvin Burks, chief counsel for the magazine. "Those secrets are highly sensitive tips and tricks to accentuate a woman's natural features and hide tell-tale signs of aging. If such information were to fall into foreign hands, the balance of global beauty power could shift drastically."

Despite their dissatisfaction, Cosmopolitan officials say the magazine will comply with the court order on all counts except one. "There is a new, spray-on frizz fighter that can be spritzed onto a brush instead of directly onto the hair itself. If such high-level anti-frizz technology were to reach Europe, American women would lose a crucial foothold in the fight to eliminate flyaway locks."

Judge William J. Messersmith said that all Americans deserve access to information about eliminating dry, flyaway hair and finding a deep-clean facial wash that actually works.

News of the Cosmopolitan decision sent a chill through the offices of America's top beauty magazines, all of which are placed at serious risk by the ruling.

"It's insanity," Mademoiselle managing editor Kimberly Thaler said. "The French have already successfully tested a pro-vitamin shampoo that penetrates root to tip at a secret base in the South Pacific. And we have reason to believe they've also experimented with botanicals. Giving away such high-level conditioning and moisturizing technology could radically shift the global PH-balance of power."

Added Thaler: "We may as well tell the Italians whether to use long or short strokes when applying mascara."

Beauty law experts say the Cosmopolitan decision may only be the beginning. "This is a landmark, precedent-setting case," said Harvard University professor of fashion and fitness Thomas Schulke. "It could open the door for the release of a vast range of information, everything from, 'How to tell if he wants you,' to 'Are you or aren't you a commitmentphobe?'"

Monday's decision represents the final chapter in the landmark, three-year-old Goodwin v. Cosmopolitan suit. In May 1994, Fort Lauderdale, FL, homemaker Karen Goodwin, 32, sued the magazine for eight counts of malfeasance in beauty advisement. At issue were a series of documents which, according to the Goodwin camp, withheld key secrets from Cosmopolitan's January 1994 "Beauty Blowout" issue.

"I am finally vindicated," said a victorious Goodwin moments after the verdict was announced. "And so are Esther Rosenman and all the others who gave their lives so that make-up and hair-care tips could someday circulate freely." Rosenman, a former Glamour staff writer, was tried and hanged in 1952 for selling eye-shadow secrets to the Russians.

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