Federal Government Introduces Six New Sizzlin' Skillet Breakfasts

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Vol 36 Issue 09

Skittish Juniors-Department Clerk Calls Security Again

TALLAHASSEE, FL–Barb Leland, 51, a newly hired clerk in the JCPenney juniors department, called security for the third time in three days Monday. "There were these two teenage girls, and they were laughing loudly and pretending to talk to one of the mannequins," she said. "I just didn't want to take any chances." Leland added that 3 p.m. on a Monday is an odd time for a pair of teens to be shopping.

Sitcom On PBS Assumed To Be Intellectual

SALINAS, CA–Assuming the program to be an intellectually enriching treasure trove of highbrow delights, PBS viewer Ross Waymer immersed himself Monday in the BBC sitcom I Dare Say, Mr. Pumsby! "It's a biting, incisive satire of the British class system that simultaneously skewers and celebrates the social mores of the have-nots in post-Thatcher Britain," said Waymer, explaining to his wife a scene in which a man is repeatedly doused with buckets of paint. "And this one guy, he has to dress up as a lady to fool his landlord into thinking he's dead so he doesn't have to pay the rent."

Racist Merely Misspoke

HOLLY SPRINGS, MS–Apologizing for any misunderstanding, Holly Springs councilman Knox Jeffries explained Monday that he "merely misspoke" when he called African-American councilman Isaac Witherspoon "a dumb, spear-chucking porch monkey" during a Mar. 10 meeting. "I can see how my remarks could have been misconstrued as offensive, but I can assure you they were not intended as such," Jeffries said. "I am sorry for any hurt I may have inadvertently caused Ike, a fine, law-abiding Negro." Jeffries then extended an olive branch to Witherspoon, inviting him and his wife to his home for "a whole mess of collard greens and cornbread."

Terrifying Mutation Killing Off U.S. Cabinet Members One At A Time

WASHINGTON, DC–The slime-covered body of Commerce Secretary William Daley was found in a cocoon in the White House Monday, bringing the number of Cabinet members killed by the terrifying space mutation to five. "We're doing everything we can to stop this creature," said Transportation Secretary Rodney Slater, hiding somewhere in the White House with the other surviving Cabinet officials. "Unfortunately, you can't kill what you can't see." Added Slater: "What? Where's Alexis? I just saw her two seconds ago! Lord help us all." It is believed the secretaries will attempt to lure the shapeshifting mutation into the East Room and blast it through the airlock.

National Interest In Anything Hovering Around 3 Percent

PRINCETON, NJ–A Gallup poll released Monday reveals that only 3 percent of Americans describe themselves as "interested" or "very interested" in anything whatsoever. "America is hard-pressed to get excited about tonight's episode of Spin City, much less the situation in Chechnya," Gallup spokeswoman Jill Pierce said. "I guess there's just not all that much going on right now."

Suicide Attempts A Desperate Cry For Death

BOSTON–Mental-health professionals have long characterized attempted suicide as a desperate cry for help, the last-ditch plea of a wounded soul who, more than anything else, longs to live.

Cash-Room Bitch Be Havin' My Shortie

Heads up, y'all: Tha H-Dog's wildin' days be OVA. Now, I still be keepin' it real as tha Accountz Reeceevable Supervisa at Midstate Office Supply, so don't all y'all new-jack two-year accountin'-degree punks fresh outta community college be thinkin' about musclin' in on my turf, lest you want a Letta Opener Of Death in yo' ribcage. But, yo, y'all gots to understand, tha H-Dog gots a lot on his mind right now, an' he ain't bangin' like he used to, know what I'm sayin'? 'Cause, check this out, G's: I'm gonna be a daddy. One of tha Cash Room bitches, Agnes, be havin' my shortie.
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Federal Government Introduces Six New Sizzlin' Skillet Breakfasts

WASHINGTON, DC–Taking steps to combat the nation's hunger problem, the federal government introduced six hearty new "Sizzlin' Skillet" breakfasts Monday.

U.S. Rep. Robert Forsythe (D-NE) unveils one of the new federally cooked skillets.

"Good news, America," U.S. Secretary of Agriculture Dan Glickman said. "We've got something for even the biggest appetite. Wake up and smell what's cookin' at the federal government."

"Go Western with the government's Hearty Ranch Skillet, featuring a zesty Denver omelette, golden hash browns, and two choices of breakfast meats," Glickman continued. "Or enjoy our Southern Skillet with chicken-fried steak in country gravy, flaky buttermilk biscuits, and your choice of hash browns or grits."

Each breakfast, Glickman said, is cooked to order and comes in its own miniature serving skillet. Available for a limited-time-only introductory price of $2.99, the skillets are being served at more than 2,400 participating federal locations nationwide. In cooperation with the Social Security Administration, a 15 percent discount will be available to senior citizens, veterans, and the blind.

At a White House press conference, President Clinton called the skillet promotion "the fulfillment of promises made in 1992." "When I first ran for president, I envisioned a future filled with hot, fresh food served fast and with a smile," Clinton said. "In 1980, Reagan said it was morning in America. Well, he hadn't seen anything yet. Come and get it, America."

Speaking to reporters at a campaign stop in Plant City, FL, Republican presidential candidate George W. Bush sharply criticized the breakfast deal, particularly its failure to include beverages in its price.

President Clinton makes sure that a Greensboro, NC, couple is enjoying their skillets.

"This is just another Democratic ploy to gouge America with hidden costs," Bush said. "At a George W. Bush breakfast table, coffee would be included with every breakfast, or citizens would be allowed to substitute a 12-ounce Minute Maid orange juice for 65 cents extra."

Bush also attacked the offer's long-term health effects. "The money Americans save on a low-cost Meat Lover's Skillet will inevitably be wiped out by doctor bills when their hearts get clogged with cholesterol and empty calories. And this is to say nothing of the Great Lakes Skillet, with its corned-beef hash and three cheeses, adding up to a whopping 73 grams of fat."

Democratic presidential candidate Al Gore was quick to respond to Bush's criticisms. "The Clinton Administration has always been mindful of changing tastes and health concerns," said the vice-president during a speech before AFL-CIO members in Dallas. "That's why we offer low-fat alternatives like the new spinach and mushroom Veggie Skillet, a skillet Gov. Bush consistently chooses to ignore."

Overall response to the skillet promotion has been positive. Said Saginaw, MI, resident Alan Brodhagen, sampling the Eggs Benedict New York Skillet: "Ever since I was laid off from the auto plant eight months ago, I've been eating cold cereal for breakfast–if I was even awake before noon, that is. Now, I have six tasty reasons to get up in the morning."

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