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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Federal Judge Pencils Blocking Trump’s Unconstitutional Executive Orders Into Monthly Schedule

SEATTLE—In an effort to ensure he would have enough time on his busy calendar to make future rulings, U.S. district judge James Robart penciled blocking President Trump’s unconstitutional executive orders into his monthly schedule, sources confirmed Thursday. “I honestly don’t have a choice but to set aside a few days every month for reviewing and striking down whatever unconstitutional executive order President Trump has most recently issued,” said Robart, adding that having his carefully planned agenda repeatedly interrupted by responding to new illegitimate directives from the president would cause him to fall behind on his other work. “Analyzing an executive action, researching how it violates the Constitution and other established legal precedents, and issuing a ruling that stops the order from going into effect takes up a lot of time, so I’m making the process easier on myself. After all, I might be doing this for years.” Robart went on to say that he was also planning to save valuable research time by directing his clerks to gather all previous U.S. legislation dealing with unlawful detentions, racial profiling, and internment camps.

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