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Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Federal Judge Pencils Blocking Trump’s Unconstitutional Executive Orders Into Monthly Schedule

SEATTLE—In an effort to ensure he would have enough time on his busy calendar to make future rulings, U.S. district judge James Robart penciled blocking President Trump’s unconstitutional executive orders into his monthly schedule, sources confirmed Thursday. “I honestly don’t have a choice but to set aside a few days every month for reviewing and striking down whatever unconstitutional executive order President Trump has most recently issued,” said Robart, adding that having his carefully planned agenda repeatedly interrupted by responding to new illegitimate directives from the president would cause him to fall behind on his other work. “Analyzing an executive action, researching how it violates the Constitution and other established legal precedents, and issuing a ruling that stops the order from going into effect takes up a lot of time, so I’m making the process easier on myself. After all, I might be doing this for years.” Robart went on to say that he was also planning to save valuable research time by directing his clerks to gather all previous U.S. legislation dealing with unlawful detentions, racial profiling, and internment camps.

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