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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Federal Law Enforcement Officials Unveil New Food-Crime Equivalency Ratings

WASHINGTON (AP)—A unilateral caucus of the nation’s law enforcement officials yesterday unveiled America’s new food-crime equivalency ratings for 1996 .

Passed unanimously, the ratings take effect May 1 and will be enforced in all 50 states, as well as Puerto Rico and the U.S. Virgin Islands. Initially enforced on a state-by-state basis, 1996 will mark the first time the ratings are consistent throughout the nation.

The nation’s governors expressed relief that each state’s worst food-crime offenders could no longer simply go across the border to a state with more lenient punishments for certain food crimes.

Said Maine Governor William Ryan: “I am very comfortable knowing that if someone is caught with poultry in my state, they will now be subject to the same criminal charges (manslaughter) as they would in any other state.”

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