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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Federal Law Enforcement Officials Unveil New Food-Crime Equivalency Ratings

WASHINGTON (AP)—A unilateral caucus of the nation’s law enforcement officials yesterday unveiled America’s new food-crime equivalency ratings for 1996 .

Passed unanimously, the ratings take effect May 1 and will be enforced in all 50 states, as well as Puerto Rico and the U.S. Virgin Islands. Initially enforced on a state-by-state basis, 1996 will mark the first time the ratings are consistent throughout the nation.

The nation’s governors expressed relief that each state’s worst food-crime offenders could no longer simply go across the border to a state with more lenient punishments for certain food crimes.

Said Maine Governor William Ryan: “I am very comfortable knowing that if someone is caught with poultry in my state, they will now be subject to the same criminal charges (manslaughter) as they would in any other state.”

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Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

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