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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

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Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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Federal Reserve Board Chairman Toughens Dating Standards

WASHINGTON, DC—Federal Reserve Board Chairman Alan Greenspan pledged Monday that "the era of me going out with mediocre-looking broads is over."

Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan unveiled his revised dating policy for FY 1997 Monday, which will "focus on long-term outlays of money, gifts and charm for the purpose of reaping the benefits of high-yield muff."

Speaking to an assembled group of 100 top mutual-fund managers at the Washington Hilton, Greenspan declared that "from now on, my interest rate in fat chicks is exactly zero... I deserve world-class vulva."

The chairman said he was aware that his decision would probably mean "a short-term decline in fucking. I can live with that. I have decided to focus on long-term outlays of money, gifts and charm for the purpose of reaping the benefits of high-yield muff."

Greenspan's announcement, while heralding a sharp departure from his previous dating policy, did not surprise most Wall Street insiders. R. Brinkley Schofield, executive vice-president of Fidelity Investments and a close, personal friend of Greenspan's, said that the Chairman had given several indications over the last six months that he would become "more stringent in his female policy."

Schofield also noted Greenspan's testimony last month before the Senate Finance Committee, in which he emphasized that he was "sick and tired of 'two-baggers'."

Greenspan and the other six members of the Fed's Board of Governors have traditionally played a vital role in Washington orgies; fluctuations in the transaction-balance percentage of non-interest-bearing reserve deposits among regional lending institutions have long been understood to be directly proportional to inside-the-Beltway squank levels.

These levels, in turn, are intimately tied to the health of the national economy. A healthy economy invariably results in more dates for the men who lead it, and the increased action gives Fed members more impetus to keep the economy strong.

Conversely, however, a stagflationary interlude is typically prolonged by the "dry spell" it inevitably leads to for the Fed Governors.

It was this cyclical pattern of monetary orgasm that Greenspan sought to break upon taking over leadership of the Federal Reserve Board in 1987, taking a simultaneously interventionist and laissez-faire approach to his coitus.

Not long after receiving oral sex in his office for the first time, Greenspan told an interviewer from Fortune magazine that he planned to continue predecessor Paul Volcker's tradition of aggressive dating, and that he favored a relaxation of previous restrictions on his semen.

Greenspan has also made 10- and 20-year Treasury bills the most sought-after investments among stability-minded Asian provincial investment banks, bagging considerable quantities of Asian snatch in the process.

Today's announcement brings Greenspan more in line with the strategies of G. William Miller, the Fed Chairman throughout much of the 1970s, who was widely regarded by economics experts as a skillful manipulator of the nation's monetary reserves and quite the ladies' man.

News of the announcement led the Dow Jones Industrial Average to hoot obscenely and rise 24.43 points to 5893.54.

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