Federal Reserve Board Chairman Toughens Dating Standards

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John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

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Biden Offers Government Post To Elvira, Mistress Of The Dark

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Nicaraguan Diplomat Drops Deadly Spider Onto John Kerry’s Blanket

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Resolute Congress Passes Second Amendment Again

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Nation’s Homophobic Bigots Pack It In

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WASHINGTON—Following the Supreme Court’s landmark ruling that bans on same-sex marriage were unconstitutional, the nation’s homophobic bigots reportedly conceded today that “rules are rules” and announced that they were going to pack it in.

Report Finds Drug Tunnels Most Intact Transport Infrastructure In U.S.

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Vilsack Stays Up All Night With Sick Corn Plant

WASHINGTON—Gently applying a cool cloth to the plant’s kernels as he cradled its frail stalk in his arms, Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack stayed up all night caring for a sick corn plant, sources close to the former Iowa governor confirmed Tuesday.
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Federal Reserve Board Chairman Toughens Dating Standards

WASHINGTON, DC—Federal Reserve Board Chairman Alan Greenspan pledged Monday that "the era of me going out with mediocre-looking broads is over."

Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan unveiled his revised dating policy for FY 1997 Monday, which will "focus on long-term outlays of money, gifts and charm for the purpose of reaping the benefits of high-yield muff."

Speaking to an assembled group of 100 top mutual-fund managers at the Washington Hilton, Greenspan declared that "from now on, my interest rate in fat chicks is exactly zero... I deserve world-class vulva."

The chairman said he was aware that his decision would probably mean "a short-term decline in fucking. I can live with that. I have decided to focus on long-term outlays of money, gifts and charm for the purpose of reaping the benefits of high-yield muff."

Greenspan's announcement, while heralding a sharp departure from his previous dating policy, did not surprise most Wall Street insiders. R. Brinkley Schofield, executive vice-president of Fidelity Investments and a close, personal friend of Greenspan's, said that the Chairman had given several indications over the last six months that he would become "more stringent in his female policy."

Schofield also noted Greenspan's testimony last month before the Senate Finance Committee, in which he emphasized that he was "sick and tired of 'two-baggers'."

Greenspan and the other six members of the Fed's Board of Governors have traditionally played a vital role in Washington orgies; fluctuations in the transaction-balance percentage of non-interest-bearing reserve deposits among regional lending institutions have long been understood to be directly proportional to inside-the-Beltway squank levels.

These levels, in turn, are intimately tied to the health of the national economy. A healthy economy invariably results in more dates for the men who lead it, and the increased action gives Fed members more impetus to keep the economy strong.

Conversely, however, a stagflationary interlude is typically prolonged by the "dry spell" it inevitably leads to for the Fed Governors.

It was this cyclical pattern of monetary orgasm that Greenspan sought to break upon taking over leadership of the Federal Reserve Board in 1987, taking a simultaneously interventionist and laissez-faire approach to his coitus.

Not long after receiving oral sex in his office for the first time, Greenspan told an interviewer from Fortune magazine that he planned to continue predecessor Paul Volcker's tradition of aggressive dating, and that he favored a relaxation of previous restrictions on his semen.

Greenspan has also made 10- and 20-year Treasury bills the most sought-after investments among stability-minded Asian provincial investment banks, bagging considerable quantities of Asian snatch in the process.

Today's announcement brings Greenspan more in line with the strategies of G. William Miller, the Fed Chairman throughout much of the 1970s, who was widely regarded by economics experts as a skillful manipulator of the nation's monetary reserves and quite the ladies' man.

News of the announcement led the Dow Jones Industrial Average to hoot obscenely and rise 24.43 points to 5893.54.

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