Federal Reserve Board Chairman Toughens Dating Standards

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Vol 30 Issue 09

Who Will Win the Base-Ball Matches?

My nurse informs me that it is now the autumn-time, which to every red-blooded American boy means the season in which the professional base-ball sporting clubs vie for a berth in the great Championship Series of the World. I predict that the Knickerbockers will give those accursed Red Stockings a sound thrashing. Of course, we can't count out the great Pie Traynor and his Philadelphia Peglegs.

Voter Apathy

Despite many national campaigns to increase turnout, nearly half of all Americans eligible to vote are still staying home on Election Day. Why aren't we voting?

Bitch Be Gettin' All That Way

DETROIT—Sources revealed Monday that Keshonda Lewis, a played-out, certified stank-ass ho from the Detroit area, be gettin' all that way. "Keshonda think she all that," said Tamika Wilson, 22, a one-time friend of Lewis'. "Well, I got news for you—she ain't." According to Wilson, Lewis "be all like, 'I'm Miss Thang,'" when, in fact, "None of the brothers around the way want a piece of that coochie." President Clinton declined comment on the situation.

Former Marine To Watch Lots Of TV

STOCKTON, CA—At a packed press conference Monday, former U.S. Marine Randy Barcynski unveiled his plans to watch lots of television in the coming months. "I am going to watch a hell of a lot of TV," announced the unemployed Barcynski, who served with the 57th Division in the Gulf War, earning two Silver Medals of Distinction. "The Price is Right, One Life to Live, Seinfeld, Cybill, ER—those are just some of the many, many shows I am going to watch." Barcynski added that among the new fall shows, Mr. Rhodes and Party Girl are his favorites, though he stressed that he would watch all the others as well, even those he dislikes. Added Barcynski, "You have no idea how much freaking TV I am going to watch."

Society Tea Party Spoiled By Ocelot

LONDON—A formal tea party, hosted by Lady Edwina Wolford-Bingham and attended by many of the finest members of London's high society, was spoiled Sunday by the appearance of an ocelot. "Oh, dear," said Lady Wolford-Bingham, whose father, Lord William Alfred Shropshire-Wolford, was a third cousin of Winston Churchill's. "There appears to be an ocelot at my tea party." In addition to "badly scratching" Lady Catherine Norwich Baker Putnam-Howe, the angry ocelot overturned a number of tables and broke an expensive vase.

Man Captures Ross Perot, Is Granted Three Wishes

FAYETTEVILLE, AR—Area resident Darnell Tanner was granted three wishes Monday when he discovered and captured Reform Party presidential candidate Ross Perot in a magic pea patch. "I was just walking along when I saw something rustling among a clump of leaves," Tanner said. "I went closer, and there was Ross Perot, helping a group of tiny bees sprinkle fairy dust. I picked him up, and he told me I could have anything I wanted." According to Tanner, who has spent his first wish on a 50-foot yacht, the Texas billionaire's only condition was that he may never reveal the location of the secret pea patch. "Perot said that if I told anyone, I'd lose all my wishes and be banned from Pretty Pixie Land forever," Tanner said. "He also told me that it's time the American people had a government that worked for them."

Chinese, Ants Announce Alliance

BEIJING, CHINA—The people of China and the world ant community signed a treaty that will establish close relations between the two civilizations.

Me An' Cletus Is A-Feudin'

Shut yer tater trap and listen here— that consarned Cletus an' I is a-feudin' agin', and ain't nothin' on God's green Earth gonna stop me from tannin' his hide but good!

I Saw Fabio at RomantiCon '96!

Hate to say it, folks, but your old pal Jean had just about the lousiest summer since the Bay City Rollers canceled their show at the Schenck Ice Arena in June 1977!
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Federal Reserve Board Chairman Toughens Dating Standards

WASHINGTON, DC—Federal Reserve Board Chairman Alan Greenspan pledged Monday that "the era of me going out with mediocre-looking broads is over."

Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan unveiled his revised dating policy for FY 1997 Monday, which will "focus on long-term outlays of money, gifts and charm for the purpose of reaping the benefits of high-yield muff."

Speaking to an assembled group of 100 top mutual-fund managers at the Washington Hilton, Greenspan declared that "from now on, my interest rate in fat chicks is exactly zero... I deserve world-class vulva."

The chairman said he was aware that his decision would probably mean "a short-term decline in fucking. I can live with that. I have decided to focus on long-term outlays of money, gifts and charm for the purpose of reaping the benefits of high-yield muff."

Greenspan's announcement, while heralding a sharp departure from his previous dating policy, did not surprise most Wall Street insiders. R. Brinkley Schofield, executive vice-president of Fidelity Investments and a close, personal friend of Greenspan's, said that the Chairman had given several indications over the last six months that he would become "more stringent in his female policy."

Schofield also noted Greenspan's testimony last month before the Senate Finance Committee, in which he emphasized that he was "sick and tired of 'two-baggers'."

Greenspan and the other six members of the Fed's Board of Governors have traditionally played a vital role in Washington orgies; fluctuations in the transaction-balance percentage of non-interest-bearing reserve deposits among regional lending institutions have long been understood to be directly proportional to inside-the-Beltway squank levels.

These levels, in turn, are intimately tied to the health of the national economy. A healthy economy invariably results in more dates for the men who lead it, and the increased action gives Fed members more impetus to keep the economy strong.

Conversely, however, a stagflationary interlude is typically prolonged by the "dry spell" it inevitably leads to for the Fed Governors.

It was this cyclical pattern of monetary orgasm that Greenspan sought to break upon taking over leadership of the Federal Reserve Board in 1987, taking a simultaneously interventionist and laissez-faire approach to his coitus.

Not long after receiving oral sex in his office for the first time, Greenspan told an interviewer from Fortune magazine that he planned to continue predecessor Paul Volcker's tradition of aggressive dating, and that he favored a relaxation of previous restrictions on his semen.

Greenspan has also made 10- and 20-year Treasury bills the most sought-after investments among stability-minded Asian provincial investment banks, bagging considerable quantities of Asian snatch in the process.

Today's announcement brings Greenspan more in line with the strategies of G. William Miller, the Fed Chairman throughout much of the 1970s, who was widely regarded by economics experts as a skillful manipulator of the nation's monetary reserves and quite the ladies' man.

News of the announcement led the Dow Jones Industrial Average to hoot obscenely and rise 24.43 points to 5893.54.

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