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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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Federal Reserve Board Chairman Toughens Dating Standards

WASHINGTON, DC—Federal Reserve Board Chairman Alan Greenspan pledged Monday that "the era of me going out with mediocre-looking broads is over."

Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan unveiled his revised dating policy for FY 1997 Monday, which will "focus on long-term outlays of money, gifts and charm for the purpose of reaping the benefits of high-yield muff."

Speaking to an assembled group of 100 top mutual-fund managers at the Washington Hilton, Greenspan declared that "from now on, my interest rate in fat chicks is exactly zero... I deserve world-class vulva."

The chairman said he was aware that his decision would probably mean "a short-term decline in fucking. I can live with that. I have decided to focus on long-term outlays of money, gifts and charm for the purpose of reaping the benefits of high-yield muff."

Greenspan's announcement, while heralding a sharp departure from his previous dating policy, did not surprise most Wall Street insiders. R. Brinkley Schofield, executive vice-president of Fidelity Investments and a close, personal friend of Greenspan's, said that the Chairman had given several indications over the last six months that he would become "more stringent in his female policy."

Schofield also noted Greenspan's testimony last month before the Senate Finance Committee, in which he emphasized that he was "sick and tired of 'two-baggers'."

Greenspan and the other six members of the Fed's Board of Governors have traditionally played a vital role in Washington orgies; fluctuations in the transaction-balance percentage of non-interest-bearing reserve deposits among regional lending institutions have long been understood to be directly proportional to inside-the-Beltway squank levels.

These levels, in turn, are intimately tied to the health of the national economy. A healthy economy invariably results in more dates for the men who lead it, and the increased action gives Fed members more impetus to keep the economy strong.

Conversely, however, a stagflationary interlude is typically prolonged by the "dry spell" it inevitably leads to for the Fed Governors.

It was this cyclical pattern of monetary orgasm that Greenspan sought to break upon taking over leadership of the Federal Reserve Board in 1987, taking a simultaneously interventionist and laissez-faire approach to his coitus.

Not long after receiving oral sex in his office for the first time, Greenspan told an interviewer from Fortune magazine that he planned to continue predecessor Paul Volcker's tradition of aggressive dating, and that he favored a relaxation of previous restrictions on his semen.

Greenspan has also made 10- and 20-year Treasury bills the most sought-after investments among stability-minded Asian provincial investment banks, bagging considerable quantities of Asian snatch in the process.

Today's announcement brings Greenspan more in line with the strategies of G. William Miller, the Fed Chairman throughout much of the 1970s, who was widely regarded by economics experts as a skillful manipulator of the nation's monetary reserves and quite the ladies' man.

News of the announcement led the Dow Jones Industrial Average to hoot obscenely and rise 24.43 points to 5893.54.

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