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20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.
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FEMA Disaster Survival Tips

Recent events have underscored the importance of being properly prepared to deal with the effects of natural disasters. With that in mind, the Federal Emergency Management Agency has prepared the following guidelines.

  • State and local governments should notify FEMA a minimum of two weeks before a natural disaster strikes.
  • In the event of a disaster of "biblical proportions," FEMA may not be your best option. You may wish to consult your Bible instead.
  • In a time of crisis brought on by a natural disaster, remember to focus on the task at hand—survival—and don't waste mental energy thinking about who did or didn't cut this or that funding for levee repairs.
  • Find a way to pass the time and take your mind off the situation. For example, see who can count the most bodies in a minute.
  • Write charming and folksy yet moving pleas for help on sheets of plywood. Example: "Please!!! help Old lady in here! she Very sick!!! please help!!! us"
  • Try to steel yourself for the prospect that some Kevlar-vested prick with an automatic rifle might try to take your cat away.
  • Children should try to decide on which stuffed animals they don't want to die of starvation, disease, or exposure.
  • Please cover your "safe area" with thyme, sage, or other fragrant herbs to mask the stench of decomposition when rescuers finally find your bodies.
  • When taking refuge in gigantic sports arenas, do your best not to open fire on the aircraft coming to fly you out.
  • In any disaster, bodies will usually be stacked like cordwood before FEMA can respond, so remember that a "cord" of wood is 8 feet high by 12 feet long by 4 feet wide, and stack accordingly.

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20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

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