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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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FEMA Disaster Survival Tips

Recent events have underscored the importance of being properly prepared to deal with the effects of natural disasters. With that in mind, the Federal Emergency Management Agency has prepared the following guidelines.

  • State and local governments should notify FEMA a minimum of two weeks before a natural disaster strikes.
  • In the event of a disaster of "biblical proportions," FEMA may not be your best option. You may wish to consult your Bible instead.
  • In a time of crisis brought on by a natural disaster, remember to focus on the task at hand—survival—and don't waste mental energy thinking about who did or didn't cut this or that funding for levee repairs.
  • Find a way to pass the time and take your mind off the situation. For example, see who can count the most bodies in a minute.
  • Write charming and folksy yet moving pleas for help on sheets of plywood. Example: "Please!!! help Old lady in here! she Very sick!!! please help!!! us"
  • Try to steel yourself for the prospect that some Kevlar-vested prick with an automatic rifle might try to take your cat away.
  • Children should try to decide on which stuffed animals they don't want to die of starvation, disease, or exposure.
  • Please cover your "safe area" with thyme, sage, or other fragrant herbs to mask the stench of decomposition when rescuers finally find your bodies.
  • When taking refuge in gigantic sports arenas, do your best not to open fire on the aircraft coming to fly you out.
  • In any disaster, bodies will usually be stacked like cordwood before FEMA can respond, so remember that a "cord" of wood is 8 feet high by 12 feet long by 4 feet wide, and stack accordingly.

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