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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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FEMA Recommends Americans Always Have Go-Bag Packed In Case Past Finally Catches Up With Them

WASHINGTON—Warning citizens that they should be prepared to evacuate at a moment’s notice, officials from the Federal Emergency Management Agency recommended on Wednesday that Americans always keep a go-bag packed in case their past finally catches up with them. “You never know when you’ll receive a knock at your door from someone you hoped you’d never see again, so it’s vital to have a bag ready that contains $5,000 cash, a loaded revolver, at least three passports with separate identities, and changes of clothes for a variety of different climates,” said acting FEMA director Robert J. Fenton, adding that residents should designate an alternate exit from their home in case the front door is obstructed by the person who calls out to them by their former name and says, “What, you think I just forgot?” “And since you might have just minutes or even seconds to safely vacate your property, have a pre-written note on hand that you can quickly drop on the kitchen table, telling your family that you have to leave but that you love them very much. The faster you can leave your home, the more likely you are to survive, even if you now realize that your days of running will never truly be behind you.” Fenton went on to say that every American should also have a first aid kit in their go-bag in case a bullet catches them just as they turn the corner.

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