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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.
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FEMA Recommends Americans Always Have Go-Bag Packed In Case Past Finally Catches Up With Them

WASHINGTON—Warning citizens that they should be prepared to evacuate at a moment’s notice, officials from the Federal Emergency Management Agency recommended on Wednesday that Americans always keep a go-bag packed in case their past finally catches up with them. “You never know when you’ll receive a knock at your door from someone you hoped you’d never see again, so it’s vital to have a bag ready that contains $5,000 cash, a loaded revolver, at least three passports with separate identities, and changes of clothes for a variety of different climates,” said acting FEMA director Robert J. Fenton, adding that residents should designate an alternate exit from their home in case the front door is obstructed by the person who calls out to them by their former name and says, “What, you think I just forgot?” “And since you might have just minutes or even seconds to safely vacate your property, have a pre-written note on hand that you can quickly drop on the kitchen table, telling your family that you have to leave but that you love them very much. The faster you can leave your home, the more likely you are to survive, even if you now realize that your days of running will never truly be behind you.” Fenton went on to say that every American should also have a first aid kit in their go-bag in case a bullet catches them just as they turn the corner.

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