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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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FEMA Unveils Nationwide Phone Tree In Case Of Emergency

WASHINGTON—The Federal Emergency Management Agency on Monday unveiled its new $48.2 million Phone Tree Response System, a program designed to alert every American in the event of a large-scale disaster. "The safety of our great nation is the responsibility of all 300 million of its citizens, so make sure you memorize the names and phone numbers of the three people you are supposed to call," said acting FEMA administrator Nancy Ward, who assured reporters that, in the event of a chemical or biological attack, President Obama would be notified first so that he could inform Vice President Joe Biden, Defense Secretary Robert Gates, and Meredith Soto of Winslow, AZ. "Remember: If they don't pick up, leave a message telling them there's a national emergency, and then call the next name listed in the 176,935-page, 253-volume directory until someone answers." According to FEMA officials, regular tests of the phone tree will be conducted on a semiweekly basis to identify any numbers that are no longer in service.

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