Female Athletes Making Great Strides In Attractiveness

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Vol 40 Issue 37

Kerry Vows To Raise Wife's Taxes

BOSTON—Campaigning in his home state, John Kerry vowed Monday to raise taxes on his wife Teresa Heinz Kerry, whose worth is estimated to be in the range of $900 million to $3.2 billion. "My spouse has benefited long enough from tax cuts," Kerry said. "If Congress increased her taxes by 15 percent, this country would have millions of dollars to use to create new jobs and explore alternative energy sources." Kerry added that it's high time that billionaires like the one with whom he shares his life start paying their fair share.

Letter Of Recommendation Reused For Eighth Intern

NEW YORK—Attorney Dina H. Berman of Oliva, Berman & Chase said Tuesday that he has used the same letter of recommendation for eight consecutive interns. "Unless someone is a complete fuck-up, I can pretty much pull up the letter and just change the names and dates," Berman said. "They're all 'enterprising and enthusiastic with a lot of great ideas and an asset to any team' to me." Berman finished the letter with the standard offer to answer any questions about the intern, but did not correct the transposed digits in her phone number.

Petulant 12-Year-Old Refuses To Brown The Ground Chuck

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—In spite of repeated requests from his mother, 12-year-old John Farina refused to brown the ground chuck Monday. "With the things I do around here, I ask you to do one thing to help me get dinner ready, and even that's too much," Farina's mother Karen yelled at the wall of her son's bedroom, where he had been playing a video game since returning from school. "And I don't care if you don't want taco casserole—it's your sister's turn to pick. You chose sloppy joes yesterday, so deal with it." Family sources report that Farina acceded to his mother's hamburger-related demands as soon as she introduced the alternate threat of washing the lettuce.

Cinemax Director Wins Award For Skinematography

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Marvin Solis, director of the late-night Cinemax offering Uptown Girl, nabbed the coveted Best Skinematography trophy at the 2004 Eroty Awards Monday night. "It's truly an honor to be recognized for this wonderful project," Solis said of the 43-minute erotic thriller, which stars Kira Jackson as a bored high-society housewife seduced into the steamy world of underground sex clubs. "I couldn't have done it without the help of my location scout, my lighting coordinator, and all those 14-year-old Cinemax viewers." Last year, Solis won the Zalman King Lifetime Achievement Award.

Assault-Weapons Ban Expires

The 10-year-old federal law banning the sale of 19 types of semiautomatic assault weapons expired Monday. What do you think?

I Wish My Life Was Better vs. Do You Wish Your Life Was Better?

I spend a lot of time sitting around, hoping that something will drop out of the sky and make my life better. I talk about it all the time. My friends have heard me say it, my family has heard me say it, and my ex-girlfriends have heard me say it. I really believe I deserve more than what I have, but whenever I think about how hard it is to turn things around, I end up feeling so hopeless. I'm stuck in a rut, but what can I do about it?
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Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Female Athletes Making Great Strides In Attractiveness

LOS ANGELES—In the wake of the Summer Olympics, during which many American women achieved a level of media attention often reserved for men, sports fans are pleased to report that female athletes are continuing to make great strides in their personal appearances.

Maria Sharapova.

"As recently as 20 years ago, women's sports were for hardcore fans only, most of them women," Gary Hoenig, editor of ESPN The Magazine, said Monday. "But due in a large part to the superior facial features of women like Maria Sharapova, the media have turned a spotlight on female athletics—and Americans of both genders are tuning in."

According to Hoenig, coverage of female athletes is no longer relegated to the back pages of sports magazines.

"Female players are finally being recognized by a larger audience—they're getting larger photos in the newspapers, appearing on talk shows, and taking the covers of magazines like Maxim and Playboy," Hoenig said. "As these ladies get prettier, that exposure will only grow."

Although women's athletics have produced the occasional good-looking stars, like tennis great Chris Evert or gymnast Mary Lou Retton, women like U.S. soccer champions Mia Hamm and Brandi Chastain have raised the bar.

"In the old days, when people talked about the female athletes of the day, words like 'perky,' 'fit,' and even 'handsome' would be used," Hoenig said. "Today, you hear words like 'sexy,' 'hot,' and even 'fuckable.' These women athletes are more attractive than ever, and the nation is taking notice."

Experts say the massive popularity of tennis champ Anna Kournikova has had an undeniable effect on female athletics, as well.

"Anna changed the way people see female athletes," Hoenig said. "She's not just focused on being a star on the court. She wants to star at red-carpet events, in the gossip pages, and in her own line of swimsuit calendars. That she never won a singles tournament and barely cracked the Top 10 ranking during her athletic career doesn't change the fact that she looks incredibly hot in a tennis ensemble."

Though some female athletes make beauty seem effortless, it isn't, Hoenig said.

U.S. Olympic high jumper Amy Acuff.

"Six-pack abs don't just happen," Hoenig said. "These ladies work. Sure, some of their fabulous strides in appearance can be traced back to superior genes, but Mother Nature only gets you so far. Jennie Finch, pitcher for the U.S. Olympic softball team, reported that she spends as many as six hours a day at the gym."

"It shows," he added.

Hoenig also applauded the increased effort women athletes are putting into fashion.

"Serena Williams, with her wide assortment of outfits, exemplifies the changing face of women's sports," Hoenig said. "And don't forget lady jocks like Mary Sauer and Haley Cope. Do you know how difficult it is to be as physically active as these women are and still have long hair? Without it, you aren't likely to get on the cover of FHM."

According to Frank Borne, author of Great Strides, younger generations are more willing to embrace good-looking women athletes than are older sports fans. As a result, more sports franchises are now seeking attractive individuals to serve as the faces and firm bodies representing their respective teams.

"It's so refreshing to see more female athletes overcome hurdles," Borne said. "Thanks to their superior facial features and careful attention to hair and clothing, many of these girls are achieving what would have been thought impossible a few decades ago. Perhaps someday, women athletes will be pretty enough to rank among the nation's top actresses and models."

Unfortunately, Borne said, professional sports organizations, by focusing on the women's athletic achievements, sometimes hamper the players' ability to draw a crowd.

"A lot of athletes find themselves hamstrung by the rules of their own teams," Borne said. "It wouldn't hurt the WNBA to come up with sexier team outfits. Do you realize how much their audience would broaden if more of these girls were allowed some time off to model on the side? Tastefully done semi-nude photo shoots bring a lot of attention to the players and the sports they play."

Added Borne: "Isn't that what any athlete really wants—to bring her sport and team more glory? I think it is."

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