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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Female Trump Supporters Just Feel More Comfortable With GOP Candidate Who’s Openly Horrible To Them

MANCHESTER, NH—Describing the current Republican frontrunner’s frankness on the topic as a welcome change of pace in the crowded race, female supporters of Donald Trump told reporters Monday they simply felt more comfortable backing a candidate who is openly hostile and belittling toward them. “It’s actually pretty refreshing to have a candidate who’s willing to come right out and disrespect women to our faces, rather than trying to conceal their actual views or spin their policy stances as if they’re beneficial to women,” said Trump supporter Laura Coyle, adding that she likes how she knows exactly where she stands with the billionaire due to his straightforward style of calling her gender worthless and disgusting up front. “Sure, I gave Ted Cruz and Mike Huckabee a chance. But they just talked in circles like Washington politicians, never offering any straight talk about how they view us as inferior and undeserving of equal treatment or rights. Trump’s a straight shooter, though. What he says is what he believes, which in this case is that most women are either calculating manipulators or repulsive animals.” When polled, Trump’s male supporters indicated their approval for the candidate’s willingness to express his open disdain toward women as well.

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