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Politics

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Female Trump Supporters Just Feel More Comfortable With GOP Candidate Who’s Openly Horrible To Them

MANCHESTER, NH—Describing the current Republican frontrunner’s frankness on the topic as a welcome change of pace in the crowded race, female supporters of Donald Trump told reporters Monday they simply felt more comfortable backing a candidate who is openly hostile and belittling toward them. “It’s actually pretty refreshing to have a candidate who’s willing to come right out and disrespect women to our faces, rather than trying to conceal their actual views or spin their policy stances as if they’re beneficial to women,” said Trump supporter Laura Coyle, adding that she likes how she knows exactly where she stands with the billionaire due to his straightforward style of calling her gender worthless and disgusting up front. “Sure, I gave Ted Cruz and Mike Huckabee a chance. But they just talked in circles like Washington politicians, never offering any straight talk about how they view us as inferior and undeserving of equal treatment or rights. Trump’s a straight shooter, though. What he says is what he believes, which in this case is that most women are either calculating manipulators or repulsive animals.” When polled, Trump’s male supporters indicated their approval for the candidate’s willingness to express his open disdain toward women as well.

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