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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Fertility Center Asks Couple If They Want Some Cheap Eggs From A Real Fucked Up Chick

CINCINNATI—Saying they could save a few bucks, a fertility counselor asked Anita and Joe Jansen Monday if they wished to consider far more affordable donor eggs from a totally fucked-up chick. "Seriously, you can get these things for 40, 50 percent less if you’re okay with a donor who's absolutely batshit insane," said Dr. Susan Rowling, pointing her index finger at the side of her head and twirling it in a circle. "I'm not sure how someone this plainly bonkers slipped through our screening process, but our mistake can save you a bundle." Rowling added that the donor was totally schizo and definitely a cutter but that there was no guarantee those traits would be passed onto the child.

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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