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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Fertility Center Asks Couple If They Want Some Cheap Eggs From A Real Fucked Up Chick

CINCINNATI—Saying they could save a few bucks, a fertility counselor asked Anita and Joe Jansen Monday if they wished to consider far more affordable donor eggs from a totally fucked-up chick. "Seriously, you can get these things for 40, 50 percent less if you’re okay with a donor who's absolutely batshit insane," said Dr. Susan Rowling, pointing her index finger at the side of her head and twirling it in a circle. "I'm not sure how someone this plainly bonkers slipped through our screening process, but our mistake can save you a bundle." Rowling added that the donor was totally schizo and definitely a cutter but that there was no guarantee those traits would be passed onto the child.

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