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Scientists Discover 99% Of NFL Players’ Brains Slimy

SEATTLE—In a major advancement of the ongoing effort to better understand the specific neurobiology of these athletes, a new study released Wednesday by scientists at the University Of Washington revealed that 99 percent of NFL players’ brains are slimy.

Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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Few Years In Military Would Have Really Straightened Out Troubled Teen Killed On First Tour Of Afghanistan

KANDAHAR, AFGHANISTAN—Friends, family, and colleagues of 19-year-old U.S. Marine Alex Penzerton were saddened Wednesday upon learning he had been killed by a roadside bomb and was thus deprived of the life-changing opportunity a few years in the military might have afforded him. "Alex was a troubled kid who really could have benefitted from the kind of structured environment an organization like the Marines provides," said Penzerton's father, David, holding the flag the Corps had shipped home to him. "I'm sure he would have straightened himself out if he'd just had a few more months in the service and survived into his 20s." Also killed in the attack was 26-year-old Cpl. Damon Siggs, who sources said was in his fourth tour of duty and had really turned his life around with the discipline he learned as a Marine.

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