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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Fey Rights Group Demands Distinction From Homosexuals

WASHINGTON—A coalition of fey rights activists sashayed on the nation's capital Tuesday, demanding that a clear distinction be made between themselves and homosexual men. "The mincing effete are not always gay, and we believe that differentiating ourselves from the homosexual community is exceedingly important to our identity and way of life," event organizer Eugene Tunney said after pausing to suggestively apply a fragrant, lightly tinted lip balm. "Keeping everyone eternally guessing with our limp-wristed mannerisms, lavender dinner jackets, and incongruous interests in sports and women is the inalienable right of the fey man." The demonstration was reportedly supported by bear rights groups composed of hundreds of burly, hypermasculine homosexuals who were marching to ensure that a distinction be made between themselves and fey men.

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