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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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FIFA Player Of The Year Ronaldo Almost Forgets To Thank His Feet

ZURICH, SWITZERLAND—Upon receiving the FIFA World Player of the Year award Monday, Manchester United winger Cristiano Ronaldo thanked his team, family, and friends before finally remembering to express gratitude to his feet of 23 years. "I can't believe I forget my feet—I could never have accomplished this without them," said Ronaldo, smiling sheepishly at his feet as he addressed the crowd attending the gala ceremony. "They have worked very hard this year, and I am very proud. They are the best feet. Their presence here today makes having Pele present the award even more of an honor, as I know my feet are very excited to meet his." Ronaldo's relationship with his feet has been tumultuous lately, as the young star recently blamed their erratic pedal work for the crash of his Ferrari 599 GTB last week.

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