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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Fifth Baby Barely Showered

ALCOVA, WY—Attendees at the weekend shower for Peggy Walgraeve's fifth child agreed that the event paled when compared to the showers thrown for Walgraeve's four other children. "For [first child] Ashley, they had bacon wraps and mini quiches and wine coolers, but this time it was beer and Fritos, and everyone was out the door by 2 o'clock," said Lilly Gussman, one of three guests. Walgraeve's husband Dan watched TV in the living room throughout the celebration, though he was reportedly seen glancing at the partygoers on occasion.

After Birth

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