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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Fifth Grader Fails To Avoid Embarrassment With Windbreaker Mixup

Ten-year-old Jeff Lilley put up a good fight, but was ultimately unable to keep the fact that he wasn't wearing a regular shirt underneath his windbreaker from his classmates. Check out his stats on the day:

This wasn't Jeff's first brush with potentially psyche-scarring humiliation this year. Here are some of his other highlights:

  • Slide-tackled Kim, the girl he likes, playing soccer during gym class and sent her to the nurse.
  • Sweat through his new iCarly shirt but managed to change out of it before anyone noticed.
  • Shot three airballs in a row at recess and was forced to pretend he was hurt and sit out for the rest of the game.
  • Had a solo in choir, but then got too nervous to sing on the day of the performance and nothing came out.
  • Shoved into the aisle on the bus by an older kid, then yelled at by the bus driver and forced to sit in the front seat for the rest of the week.
  • Accidentally took his sister's old pink backpack one day, but managed to avoid teasing by stuffing it in someone else's cubby and then just leaving it there.
  • Managed to fake his way through a conversation about Dan's older sister giving someone a "hummer."
  • Got tricked into trading his bag of chips for an empty package of Dunkaroos.

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