adBlockCheck

Sports

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
End Of Section
  • More News

Fifth Grader Fails To Avoid Embarrassment With Windbreaker Mixup

Ten-year-old Jeff Lilley put up a good fight, but was ultimately unable to keep the fact that he wasn't wearing a regular shirt underneath his windbreaker from his classmates. Check out his stats on the day:

This wasn't Jeff's first brush with potentially psyche-scarring humiliation this year. Here are some of his other highlights:

  • Slide-tackled Kim, the girl he likes, playing soccer during gym class and sent her to the nurse.
  • Sweat through his new iCarly shirt but managed to change out of it before anyone noticed.
  • Shot three airballs in a row at recess and was forced to pretend he was hurt and sit out for the rest of the game.
  • Had a solo in choir, but then got too nervous to sing on the day of the performance and nothing came out.
  • Shoved into the aisle on the bus by an older kid, then yelled at by the bus driver and forced to sit in the front seat for the rest of the week.
  • Accidentally took his sister's old pink backpack one day, but managed to avoid teasing by stuffing it in someone else's cubby and then just leaving it there.
  • Managed to fake his way through a conversation about Dan's older sister giving someone a "hummer."
  • Got tricked into trading his bag of chips for an empty package of Dunkaroos.

More from this section

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close