adBlockCheck

Fifth-Period Gym Class Under Investigation For Failure To Hustle

Top Headlines

Recent News

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Fifth-Period Gym Class Under Investigation For Failure To Hustle

PHOENIX—A fifth-period gym class at Derndell Middle School is under investigation by local authorities for failure to hustle during a basketball drill Monday.

Students in Coach Peeler’s fifth-period gym class could be trying a lot harder, officials say.

The gym teacher, coach Irv Peeler, is cooperating with authorities and has not been charged.

"I did everything I could," Peeler said in a press conference Monday. "I yelled, 'Come on, people, let's go, let's move,' and when that produced no effect, I yelled, 'Let's see some hustle out there.' But even then I could discern no evidence of hustling."

Peeler went on to say that the students displayed "very poor" effort.

Eyewitness testimony corroborates allegations that even during warm-up exercises, at least a dozen students failed to rotate fully during trunk twists, and that "a significant number" also failed to "adequately bend at the knees" during squat thrusts.

Among those named in the investigation were Brian Ericks, Dan Chester, Howie Goldberg, Tim Miraglia and Todd Pollack.

The report also indicated that of the 30 pupils in the class, six failed to come to class dressed in the proper gym gear. Those six were instructed by Peeler to sit on the mats along the far wall for the duration of the class. Their unpreparedness was also noted with a 'U' next to their names in Peeler's gym log.

Despite the class' poor performance during warm-up exercises, the main focus of the investigation is the basketball drill that followed. After counting off by fours in a somewhat lethargic fashion, the class then formed two teams of roughly equal abilities. However, upon commencing play it became obvious that none of the students, including some who are active in Derndell Middle School athletics programs, were in any way "hustling."

According to early reports, some members of the class weren't even up on the balls of their feet. Further, none of the students were observed going for the ball, showing good effort or otherwise "digging it out" in any way.

In addition to the lack of hustle, evidence indicates that there was a considerable amount of talking during attendance-taking, delaying the start of the physical-activity portion of class for nearly seven minutes.

"After blowing my whistle failed to achieve quiet, I made it clear to the class that if they did not settle down, they would sit for the entire period," Coach Peeler told local authorities. "I also made it clear that I did not care if it came to that, as I had grading to do."

"These students," Peeler said, "are motor mouths."

Only one class member, Randy Grabecki, was cleared from the investigation, as he has been excused from gym class all semester with a signed doctor's note. "Randy has flat feet," the boy's mother, Helene Grabecki, told reporters.

Peeler said he sensed trouble early on in the period. "I had them run some easy laps around the gym to warm up before doing stretching exercises," he said. "But when they went to stretch, well, they just sort of sat around on the mats. That should have been an indication to me right there that something wasn't right."

Eyewitnesses report that Peeler did seem to be trying to "fire up" the class by clapping his hands and yelling, "C'mon, people!"

If investigations do produce sufficient evidence to prove a lack of hustle, consequences for the fifth-period class could be fairly serious. Extra laps would likely be assigned, and revocation of "outside gym" privileges for when the weather becomes nice would be all but certain.

In addition, scoliosis checks—during which students must stand shirtless in the gym for upwards of 30 minutes while waiting to be examined by the school nurse—would be upped from once a year to twice a week.

Severe as that may seem, for two members of the class, the punishment could be even worse.

"This class includes Jeff Johnson and Tim Schutz, two of the most athletic boys in school," said Bob Joravsky of the National Council on Physical Fitness. "For them not to hustle, well, we'd have no choice but to strip them of their Presidential Physical Fitness awards. It's that bad."

According to Joravsky, in a high-profile case such as this, President Clinton would likely come to Derndell Middle School and ceremonially remove the Presidential Physical Fitness patches from the boys' denim jackets himself.

Monday's incident is the most serious scandal to rock Derndell Middle School's physical education department since 1991, when five students were permanently expelled from school for "failure to rotate" during a volleyball match.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close