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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Fight Kind Of Runs Out Of Steam 15 Seconds In

HAMILTON, OH—A violent and dangerous bar fight reportedly ran completely out of steam late Wednesday night, about 15 seconds or so after it had started. "They're not really punching each other in the face very much anymore, and there's definitely a lot more panting and heavy breathing now than when the fight first began," said bar patron Paul Moyers, adding that the scuffle seemed to slow down significantly after the initial few bursts of physical exertion, and had then continued with both men on all-fours just sort of pushing each other back and forth, each urging the other to give up. "Still, somebody should really step in and stop it, if it hasn't stopped already. It's hard to tell." Moyers told reporters that if he had to choose, he would guess the "one dude who sort of put a headlock on the other guy's legs" had probably won.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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