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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Fight Kind Of Runs Out Of Steam 15 Seconds In

HAMILTON, OH—A violent and dangerous bar fight reportedly ran completely out of steam late Wednesday night, about 15 seconds or so after it had started. "They're not really punching each other in the face very much anymore, and there's definitely a lot more panting and heavy breathing now than when the fight first began," said bar patron Paul Moyers, adding that the scuffle seemed to slow down significantly after the initial few bursts of physical exertion, and had then continued with both men on all-fours just sort of pushing each other back and forth, each urging the other to give up. "Still, somebody should really step in and stop it, if it hasn't stopped already. It's hard to tell." Moyers told reporters that if he had to choose, he would guess the "one dude who sort of put a headlock on the other guy's legs" had probably won.

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