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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Fight Kind Of Runs Out Of Steam 15 Seconds In

HAMILTON, OH—A violent and dangerous bar fight reportedly ran completely out of steam late Wednesday night, about 15 seconds or so after it had started. "They're not really punching each other in the face very much anymore, and there's definitely a lot more panting and heavy breathing now than when the fight first began," said bar patron Paul Moyers, adding that the scuffle seemed to slow down significantly after the initial few bursts of physical exertion, and had then continued with both men on all-fours just sort of pushing each other back and forth, each urging the other to give up. "Still, somebody should really step in and stop it, if it hasn't stopped already. It's hard to tell." Moyers told reporters that if he had to choose, he would guess the "one dude who sort of put a headlock on the other guy's legs" had probably won.

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