adBlockCheck

Local

Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Fight Kind Of Runs Out Of Steam 15 Seconds In

HAMILTON, OH—A violent and dangerous bar fight reportedly ran completely out of steam late Wednesday night, about 15 seconds or so after it had started. "They're not really punching each other in the face very much anymore, and there's definitely a lot more panting and heavy breathing now than when the fight first began," said bar patron Paul Moyers, adding that the scuffle seemed to slow down significantly after the initial few bursts of physical exertion, and had then continued with both men on all-fours just sort of pushing each other back and forth, each urging the other to give up. "Still, somebody should really step in and stop it, if it hasn't stopped already. It's hard to tell." Moyers told reporters that if he had to choose, he would guess the "one dude who sort of put a headlock on the other guy's legs" had probably won.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close