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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Fighting Continues Over World's Holiest Bombing Sites

JERUSALEM—Bitter fighting between Israel and Hamas reportedly showed no signs of abating Tuesday as both sides continued to lay exclusive claim to several of the most sacred bombing sites in the world.

“The smoldering craters near Jerusalem and Gaza City are of tremendous significance to many major faiths,” said historian Evan Chertok, explaining that droves of devout believers shoot rockets in the direction of the holy bombing grounds every day. “For thousands of years, adherents of Judaism, Christianity, and Islam have congregated at these hallowed war zones to detonate bombs in an expression of their most deeply held beliefs.”

“The irony is that they were originally intended to be inclusive places of violence where people from all over the world could gather to solemnly wage war in the eyes of God,” Chertok said of the revered slaughtering fields. “Sadly, they are now so brutally contested that no easy resolution is in sight.”

Despite the intensifying conflict, activists in both Israel and Gaza expressed hope that the belligerent parties would one day be able to set aside their differences and bomb the disputed lands together in harmony.

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