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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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Fighting Continues Over World's Holiest Bombing Sites

JERUSALEM—Bitter fighting between Israel and Hamas reportedly showed no signs of abating Tuesday as both sides continued to lay exclusive claim to several of the most sacred bombing sites in the world.

“The smoldering craters near Jerusalem and Gaza City are of tremendous significance to many major faiths,” said historian Evan Chertok, explaining that droves of devout believers shoot rockets in the direction of the holy bombing grounds every day. “For thousands of years, adherents of Judaism, Christianity, and Islam have congregated at these hallowed war zones to detonate bombs in an expression of their most deeply held beliefs.”

“The irony is that they were originally intended to be inclusive places of violence where people from all over the world could gather to solemnly wage war in the eyes of God,” Chertok said of the revered slaughtering fields. “Sadly, they are now so brutally contested that no easy resolution is in sight.”

Despite the intensifying conflict, activists in both Israel and Gaza expressed hope that the belligerent parties would one day be able to set aside their differences and bomb the disputed lands together in harmony.

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FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

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