adBlockCheck

Recent News

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.

A Timeline Of Valentine’s Day History

Every February, people across the world engage in romantic traditions with their loved ones in celebration of Valentine’s Day. The Onion provides a timeline of the holiday’s inception and evolution:
End Of Section
  • More News

Fighting Insomnia

Insomnia—the chronic inability to fall and remain asleep—affects roughly 20 percent of American adults. Here are some tips to get a better night's sleep:

Fighting Insomnia

  • Although it's tempting to use liquor as a cure for chronic sleeplessness, be warned: Liquor is quite expensive.
  • Getting more exercise can help combat insomnia. If you suffer from sleeplessness, try shuffling from the bed to the kitchen, opening and shutting the refrigerator door, and shuffling back to bed.
  • According to researchers at the National Sleep Foundation, there is an actual National Sleep Foundation. Yes, for real.
  • If you are going to take pills to help you sleep, be sure you take enough to knock yourself out. Watching Good Morning America while sleep-deprived and tranquilized is a hellish experience.
  • Use your bed for sleeping only. Conduct all reading, eating, phone calls, and sexual relations on the kitchen table.
  • Try counting sheep, rather than the number of times you've failed as a wife and mother.
  • If you got less than three hours of sleep the previous night, it's important to inform everyone you meet of that fact all day long.
  • If you're having night after night of hours-long jungle sex when all you really want is a decent night's rest, go cry on someone else's shoulder.
  • Minimize noise, light, excessive temperature—all factors that could potentially disrupt rest—by sleeping indoors.
  • Sleeping pills can and do become addictive. Before you know it, you'll be giving back-alley blow jobs for hits of Ambien.
  • Remember: Insomnia is only a problem if you are employed or have a reason to live.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close