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Fighting Insomnia

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Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.
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Fighting Insomnia

Insomnia—the chronic inability to fall and remain asleep—affects roughly 20 percent of American adults. Here are some tips to get a better night's sleep:

Fighting Insomnia

  • Although it's tempting to use liquor as a cure for chronic sleeplessness, be warned: Liquor is quite expensive.
  • Getting more exercise can help combat insomnia. If you suffer from sleeplessness, try shuffling from the bed to the kitchen, opening and shutting the refrigerator door, and shuffling back to bed.
  • According to researchers at the National Sleep Foundation, there is an actual National Sleep Foundation. Yes, for real.
  • If you are going to take pills to help you sleep, be sure you take enough to knock yourself out. Watching Good Morning America while sleep-deprived and tranquilized is a hellish experience.
  • Use your bed for sleeping only. Conduct all reading, eating, phone calls, and sexual relations on the kitchen table.
  • Try counting sheep, rather than the number of times you've failed as a wife and mother.
  • If you got less than three hours of sleep the previous night, it's important to inform everyone you meet of that fact all day long.
  • If you're having night after night of hours-long jungle sex when all you really want is a decent night's rest, go cry on someone else's shoulder.
  • Minimize noise, light, excessive temperature—all factors that could potentially disrupt rest—by sleeping indoors.
  • Sleeping pills can and do become addictive. Before you know it, you'll be giving back-alley blow jobs for hits of Ambien.
  • Remember: Insomnia is only a problem if you are employed or have a reason to live.

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