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Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

Being A Mom Was The Best Four Years Of My Life!

As I get older, I find myself reflecting on my life more often and marveling at what an amazing journey it’s been. I’ve made tons of great friends, been to magnificent places all over the world, and learned so many important things about myself along the way. But if I’m being honest, there’s one period of my life that stands out from all the rest: those four incredible years when I was a mom.
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Fighting Insomnia

Insomnia—the chronic inability to fall and remain asleep—affects roughly 20 percent of American adults. Here are some tips to get a better night's sleep:

Fighting Insomnia

  • Although it's tempting to use liquor as a cure for chronic sleeplessness, be warned: Liquor is quite expensive.
  • Getting more exercise can help combat insomnia. If you suffer from sleeplessness, try shuffling from the bed to the kitchen, opening and shutting the refrigerator door, and shuffling back to bed.
  • According to researchers at the National Sleep Foundation, there is an actual National Sleep Foundation. Yes, for real.
  • If you are going to take pills to help you sleep, be sure you take enough to knock yourself out. Watching Good Morning America while sleep-deprived and tranquilized is a hellish experience.
  • Use your bed for sleeping only. Conduct all reading, eating, phone calls, and sexual relations on the kitchen table.
  • Try counting sheep, rather than the number of times you've failed as a wife and mother.
  • If you got less than three hours of sleep the previous night, it's important to inform everyone you meet of that fact all day long.
  • If you're having night after night of hours-long jungle sex when all you really want is a decent night's rest, go cry on someone else's shoulder.
  • Minimize noise, light, excessive temperature—all factors that could potentially disrupt rest—by sleeping indoors.
  • Sleeping pills can and do become addictive. Before you know it, you'll be giving back-alley blow jobs for hits of Ambien.
  • Remember: Insomnia is only a problem if you are employed or have a reason to live.

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