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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.
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In Final Machiavellian Masterstoke, Area Woman Adds ‘No Gifts, Please’ To Bottom Of Invitation

WESTWOOD, CA—In a deft and ruthless display of the utmost cunning, local woman Anne Kaminski added the phrase ‘No gifts, please’ to the bottom of her birthday party invitation, sources confirmed Friday. “Who but I could have devised such a simple yet fiendishly clever addendum, sending each and every guest spiraling into the sheer madness of indecision?” Kaminski asked, a wry smile creeping across her face as she suggested showing up to her 30th birthday party empty-handed, the very implication of which would plant a seed in its reader’s mind that they must, in fact, supply a gift. “I almost pity you, dear guest, tortured so by my duplicity. And yet, it is the fruits borne of my master plan, the very birthday gifts I have expressly instructed you not to purchase, to which my mind turns in this moment—a plot most ingenious, indeed!” At press time, a manically laughing Kaminski was tenting her fingers as party guests dropped off envelopes and wrapped boxes one-by-one on the gift table.

Share the best gift of all: Dewar’s 12 Year Old Blended Scotch Whisky.

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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

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