adBlockCheck

Sports

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
End Of Section
  • More News

Final Police Report: Only 20,000 Killed During Ravens' Super Bowl Parade

BALTIMORE—After taking under a month to sort through the carnage from the Ravens’ Super Bowl victory parade, Baltimore police issued an encouraging report Friday, revealing that the festivities had resulted in just 20,278 fatalities.

According to the report, the corpses littering the area surrounding Commerce Street included less than 5,410 residents killed by gunshot wounds, a mere 9,553 stabbing victims, and, in a particularly welcome surprise, a near-negligible 2,892 casualties who were violently beaten to death.

“This is a great day for Baltimore,” said police commissioner Anthony Batts, who noted that several hundred officers had worked nonstop since February 5th investigating the site of the massacre. “We planned for between 40,000 and 50,000 bodies, so to end up with a fraction of that—well, it’s really a testament to the willpower and restraint of our residents.”

“Most of the players even survived, which is a wonderful achievement in itself,” Batts added.

The report, which compared the parade favorably to the Ravens’ 2001 victory parade that claimed the lives of more than 75,000 Baltimore residents, noted that a majority of attendees were not robbed during the event, and proudly highlighted the fact that fewer than 1,000 young children were listed as dead, injured, or missing.

“Though it is true that 60,000 injuries is actually up slightly since 2001, and about 25,000 of those people remain in so-called critical condition, we’re not here to play a game of semantics,” said Batts, who mentioned that while some of the murderers remained at large, it was also safe to assume that a small percentage were also killed during the celebrations. “Bottom line is, we held a great parade, only 20,000 people were brutally murdered, and everyone else enjoyed themselves. At the end of the day, no one is disputing what a remarkable step forward this is for our city.”

At press time, Baltimore had another reason to celebrate as an addendum to the report identified Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco as among the deceased.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close