adBlockCheck

Final Police Report: Only 20,000 Killed During Ravens' Super Bowl Parade

Top Headlines

Sports

Report: Gonzaga’s In Washington, Right?

NEW YORK—Ahead of the team’s first-round game against Seton Hall in the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament, a new report released Thursday revealed that Gonzaga is in Washington state, right?

Teary-Eyed Robert Griffin III Slips On Draft Day Suit Again

WASHINGTON—With several tears streaming down his face as he stood alone in his bedroom’s walk-in closet, sources confirmed Wednesday that former Washington Redskins quarterback Robert Griffin III slipped on the suit he wore to the 2012 NFL Draft.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Surprises

  • Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

    DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Final Police Report: Only 20,000 Killed During Ravens' Super Bowl Parade

BALTIMORE—After taking under a month to sort through the carnage from the Ravens’ Super Bowl victory parade, Baltimore police issued an encouraging report Friday, revealing that the festivities had resulted in just 20,278 fatalities.

According to the report, the corpses littering the area surrounding Commerce Street included less than 5,410 residents killed by gunshot wounds, a mere 9,553 stabbing victims, and, in a particularly welcome surprise, a near-negligible 2,892 casualties who were violently beaten to death.

“This is a great day for Baltimore,” said police commissioner Anthony Batts, who noted that several hundred officers had worked nonstop since February 5th investigating the site of the massacre. “We planned for between 40,000 and 50,000 bodies, so to end up with a fraction of that—well, it’s really a testament to the willpower and restraint of our residents.”

“Most of the players even survived, which is a wonderful achievement in itself,” Batts added.

The report, which compared the parade favorably to the Ravens’ 2001 victory parade that claimed the lives of more than 75,000 Baltimore residents, noted that a majority of attendees were not robbed during the event, and proudly highlighted the fact that fewer than 1,000 young children were listed as dead, injured, or missing.

“Though it is true that 60,000 injuries is actually up slightly since 2001, and about 25,000 of those people remain in so-called critical condition, we’re not here to play a game of semantics,” said Batts, who mentioned that while some of the murderers remained at large, it was also safe to assume that a small percentage were also killed during the celebrations. “Bottom line is, we held a great parade, only 20,000 people were brutally murdered, and everyone else enjoyed themselves. At the end of the day, no one is disputing what a remarkable step forward this is for our city.”

At press time, Baltimore had another reason to celebrate as an addendum to the report identified Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco as among the deceased.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close