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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:
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Financial Advisor Recommends Keeping One Bullet In Chamber Just In Case

NEW YORK—Noting the volatility of various retirement products and the long-term uncertainty of global markets, financial advisor Michael Reynolds recommended Tuesday that investors always keep one bullet in the chamber, just in case. “Even if you’re a more conservative investor who keeps most of your savings in bonds and money market accounts, it just makes a lot of sense to have a round locked and loaded at all times in the event of a major financial market disruption,” said Reynolds, who stressed the importance of maxing out yearly IRA contributions and regularly cleaning and oiling the barrel. “It’s probably the furthest thing from your mind right now, but the time will come when you’ll want quick access to it. When the kids are off in college and you’re nearing retirement age, and all of a sudden there’s an emergency, you’re really going to thank yourself for making sure you had that one bullet set aside and ready to go.” Reynolds added that while at the minimum, investors will want to have a single bullet in the chamber for themselves, ideally, individuals should make sure they have enough so the whole family is taken care of.

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