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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Financial Advisor Recommends Keeping One Bullet In Chamber Just In Case

NEW YORK—Noting the volatility of various retirement products and the long-term uncertainty of global markets, financial advisor Michael Reynolds recommended Tuesday that investors always keep one bullet in the chamber, just in case. “Even if you’re a more conservative investor who keeps most of your savings in bonds and money market accounts, it just makes a lot of sense to have a round locked and loaded at all times in the event of a major financial market disruption,” said Reynolds, who stressed the importance of maxing out yearly IRA contributions and regularly cleaning and oiling the barrel. “It’s probably the furthest thing from your mind right now, but the time will come when you’ll want quick access to it. When the kids are off in college and you’re nearing retirement age, and all of a sudden there’s an emergency, you’re really going to thank yourself for making sure you had that one bullet set aside and ready to go.” Reynolds added that while at the minimum, investors will want to have a single bullet in the chamber for themselves, ideally, individuals should make sure they have enough so the whole family is taken care of.

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