adBlockCheck

Recent News

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

Financial Advisor Recommends Keeping One Bullet In Chamber Just In Case

NEW YORK—Noting the volatility of various retirement products and the long-term uncertainty of global markets, financial advisor Michael Reynolds recommended Tuesday that investors always keep one bullet in the chamber, just in case. “Even if you’re a more conservative investor who keeps most of your savings in bonds and money market accounts, it just makes a lot of sense to have a round locked and loaded at all times in the event of a major financial market disruption,” said Reynolds, who stressed the importance of maxing out yearly IRA contributions and regularly cleaning and oiling the barrel. “It’s probably the furthest thing from your mind right now, but the time will come when you’ll want quick access to it. When the kids are off in college and you’re nearing retirement age, and all of a sudden there’s an emergency, you’re really going to thank yourself for making sure you had that one bullet set aside and ready to go.” Reynolds added that while at the minimum, investors will want to have a single bullet in the chamber for themselves, ideally, individuals should make sure they have enough so the whole family is taken care of.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close