Financial Analysts Offer To Talk About Recession For $5

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Vol 44 Issue 17

Badly Injured Man Not Done Partying Yet

BATON ROUGE, LA—Veteran partier Adam Girard was seen pedaling down the street on a neighbor’s bicycle, yelling that he going swimming and that his collarbone was fine.

Snow Moves To CNN

Former Fox News personality and White House press secretary began his stint as a political contributor on CNN this Monday. What do you think?

Commas, Turning Up, Everywhere

WASHINGTON—In the midst of a crisis that may have reached a breaking, point Tuesday afternoon, linguists, and grammarians, everywhere say they...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Healthy Eating

Financial Analysts Offer To Talk About Recession For $5

NEW YORK—With the nation almost certainly headed toward a recession, a coalition of top financial analysts announced Monday that they would be willing to discuss the economic future of the U.S. at any time for a negotiable fee of $5. "There are many complicated factors that will dictate the direction the economy will take in the coming months," said commodity trading adviser Lucas Brockton, who repeatedly urged reporters at the press conference to leave any empty soda cans with him before they left. "We are more than happy to talk about these factors at length just as soon as we can get a wink from Mr. Lincoln, if you catch my drift." As of press time, the analysts were considering an offer of $3.50 and half a turkey sandwich.

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