adBlockCheck

Fiona Apple Song Reminds Girl To Be Depressed

Top Headlines

Entertainment

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Fiona Apple Song Reminds Girl To Be Depressed

LOS ANGELES—Her mood dangerously optimistic at the end of the school year, teenager Christine Lowell was reminded of the need to assume a sullen, self-pitying manner Monday by the Fiona Apple song "Sleep To Dream." "God, I don't see why I should have to continue facing these phonies every day of my miserable life," Lowell said after the song came into rotation on her MP3 player. "I can't be, you know, stifled by your insignificant ways, all right?" At last report, Lowell's mother, the only witness to Christine's sudden and deliberate mood change, had resumed driving to the supermarket without comment.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close