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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Fire Chief Grants Fireman 3-Day Extension On Difficult Fire

NEWTON, MA—Shortly before leaving work Monday, local fire chief Pete Wilkes reportedly approved firefighter Joseph Ainslie’s request to take an extra three days on a particularly tough fire, advising him to “take [his] time” with the two-story blaze. “What matters most is doing the job right, not rushing through it and getting it done fast,” Wilkes wrote in an e-mail in which he suggested Ainslie sleep on the problem and return to it the next day with fresh eyes. “I’m of course happy to take a look at it sometime if you need me to, but it seems like you’re on the right track. Do you think you could finish it up by, say, Thursday at 10:30 a.m.? Let me know.” Sources confirmed that after staring blankly at the fire for several minutes, Ainslie finally decided to come back in the morning and try putting some more water on it.

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