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Fire Safety And Prevention Tips

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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
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Fire Safety And Prevention Tips

Knowing what to do in case of fire can be the difference between life and death.
Here are some helpful fire safety and prevention tips:

Fire Safety And Prevention Tips


  • If your smoke detector is beeping periodically, replace the batteries as soon as you get around to it.
  • Be sure to keep your gasoline-soaked rags nailed to a wall, safely out of children's reach.
  • There are two kinds of fire that should never be put out with water. I'm pretty sure one of them is a grease fire.
  • When making your family's fire-evacuation plan, just remember "LISGM9MN": Leave the house Immediately, Stay low to the Ground, Meet outside, and call 911 froM a Neighbor's house.
  • Assist firefighters racing to the scene of a blaze by lighting a series of smaller "marker fires" along their path.
  • If you have children, warn them never to play with matches, because a fire could break out and Sparky The Big Friendly Fire Dog would have to visit the house in his big red truck and give them rides while the firemen put out the fire with water hoses.
  • Beware the lustful fires that burn in a librarian's heart. They can rage beyond all control.
  • Before using a fire extinguisher to put out a rapidly spreading fire, be sure to thoroughly read the instructions printed on the side, marking key information with a highlighter pen.
  • Space heaters are a serious fire hazard and should never be used. (This tip courtesy of your mother.)
  • Remember: The old adage "Fight fire with fire" does not apply to non-metaphorical fires.
  • Many schools give out bright, reflective stickers for children's bedroom windows to alert firefighters. Buy as many of these stickers as you can from neighborhood schoolchildren for your own window.
  • Every month, check to see that smoke detectors are working by leaving a Tombstone frozen pizza in the oven for 300 minutes.
  • Do not try to outrun fire, because it's much too fast. Wait, no, that's bears.
  • Firefighters are heroes who perform a vital community service. Stay out of their way when they're working and offer yourself to them sexually when they're not.
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