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National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.
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Fire Safety And Prevention Tips

Knowing what to do in case of fire can be the difference between life and death.
Here are some helpful fire safety and prevention tips:

Fire Safety And Prevention Tips


  • If your smoke detector is beeping periodically, replace the batteries as soon as you get around to it.
  • Be sure to keep your gasoline-soaked rags nailed to a wall, safely out of children's reach.
  • There are two kinds of fire that should never be put out with water. I'm pretty sure one of them is a grease fire.
  • When making your family's fire-evacuation plan, just remember "LISGM9MN": Leave the house Immediately, Stay low to the Ground, Meet outside, and call 911 froM a Neighbor's house.
  • Assist firefighters racing to the scene of a blaze by lighting a series of smaller "marker fires" along their path.
  • If you have children, warn them never to play with matches, because a fire could break out and Sparky The Big Friendly Fire Dog would have to visit the house in his big red truck and give them rides while the firemen put out the fire with water hoses.
  • Beware the lustful fires that burn in a librarian's heart. They can rage beyond all control.
  • Before using a fire extinguisher to put out a rapidly spreading fire, be sure to thoroughly read the instructions printed on the side, marking key information with a highlighter pen.
  • Space heaters are a serious fire hazard and should never be used. (This tip courtesy of your mother.)
  • Remember: The old adage "Fight fire with fire" does not apply to non-metaphorical fires.
  • Many schools give out bright, reflective stickers for children's bedroom windows to alert firefighters. Buy as many of these stickers as you can from neighborhood schoolchildren for your own window.
  • Every month, check to see that smoke detectors are working by leaving a Tombstone frozen pizza in the oven for 300 minutes.
  • Do not try to outrun fire, because it's much too fast. Wait, no, that's bears.
  • Firefighters are heroes who perform a vital community service. Stay out of their way when they're working and offer yourself to them sexually when they're not.
  • More from this section

    National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

    WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

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