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What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

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NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

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Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.
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Fire Safety And Prevention Tips

Knowing what to do in case of fire can be the difference between life and death.
Here are some helpful fire safety and prevention tips:

Fire Safety And Prevention Tips


  • If your smoke detector is beeping periodically, replace the batteries as soon as you get around to it.
  • Be sure to keep your gasoline-soaked rags nailed to a wall, safely out of children's reach.
  • There are two kinds of fire that should never be put out with water. I'm pretty sure one of them is a grease fire.
  • When making your family's fire-evacuation plan, just remember "LISGM9MN": Leave the house Immediately, Stay low to the Ground, Meet outside, and call 911 froM a Neighbor's house.
  • Assist firefighters racing to the scene of a blaze by lighting a series of smaller "marker fires" along their path.
  • If you have children, warn them never to play with matches, because a fire could break out and Sparky The Big Friendly Fire Dog would have to visit the house in his big red truck and give them rides while the firemen put out the fire with water hoses.
  • Beware the lustful fires that burn in a librarian's heart. They can rage beyond all control.
  • Before using a fire extinguisher to put out a rapidly spreading fire, be sure to thoroughly read the instructions printed on the side, marking key information with a highlighter pen.
  • Space heaters are a serious fire hazard and should never be used. (This tip courtesy of your mother.)
  • Remember: The old adage "Fight fire with fire" does not apply to non-metaphorical fires.
  • Many schools give out bright, reflective stickers for children's bedroom windows to alert firefighters. Buy as many of these stickers as you can from neighborhood schoolchildren for your own window.
  • Every month, check to see that smoke detectors are working by leaving a Tombstone frozen pizza in the oven for 300 minutes.
  • Do not try to outrun fire, because it's much too fast. Wait, no, that's bears.
  • Firefighters are heroes who perform a vital community service. Stay out of their way when they're working and offer yourself to them sexually when they're not.
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