adBlockCheck

Recent News

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

Fire Safety And Prevention Tips

Knowing what to do in case of fire can be the difference between life and death.
Here are some helpful fire safety and prevention tips:

Fire Safety And Prevention Tips


  • If your smoke detector is beeping periodically, replace the batteries as soon as you get around to it.
  • Be sure to keep your gasoline-soaked rags nailed to a wall, safely out of children's reach.
  • There are two kinds of fire that should never be put out with water. I'm pretty sure one of them is a grease fire.
  • When making your family's fire-evacuation plan, just remember "LISGM9MN": Leave the house Immediately, Stay low to the Ground, Meet outside, and call 911 froM a Neighbor's house.
  • Assist firefighters racing to the scene of a blaze by lighting a series of smaller "marker fires" along their path.
  • If you have children, warn them never to play with matches, because a fire could break out and Sparky The Big Friendly Fire Dog would have to visit the house in his big red truck and give them rides while the firemen put out the fire with water hoses.
  • Beware the lustful fires that burn in a librarian's heart. They can rage beyond all control.
  • Before using a fire extinguisher to put out a rapidly spreading fire, be sure to thoroughly read the instructions printed on the side, marking key information with a highlighter pen.
  • Space heaters are a serious fire hazard and should never be used. (This tip courtesy of your mother.)
  • Remember: The old adage "Fight fire with fire" does not apply to non-metaphorical fires.
  • Many schools give out bright, reflective stickers for children's bedroom windows to alert firefighters. Buy as many of these stickers as you can from neighborhood schoolchildren for your own window.
  • Every month, check to see that smoke detectors are working by leaving a Tombstone frozen pizza in the oven for 300 minutes.
  • Do not try to outrun fire, because it's much too fast. Wait, no, that's bears.
  • Firefighters are heroes who perform a vital community service. Stay out of their way when they're working and offer yourself to them sexually when they're not.
  • More from this section

    ‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

    When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

    Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

    Give your spam filter something to do.

    Close